"I am someone who has previously suffered from an eating disorder. I have starved myself. I have pretended to eat, hidden food and felt proud of my deceit.
Over the years, my eating disorder took on a new tact...that of binge eating. I have no stop button. I can keep going, stuffing my face with food without ever feeling sick or full.
Clearly the binge eating was not good for the waist line and eventually the whole consumption of hundreds of calories in one sitting took its toll.
The emotional aspect of comfort eating is an easy excuse to justify why I had just eaten a family sized 200g bar of Cadbury's Wholenut, followed by a family bag of Tortilla Chips (yes I really did that). But to me that excuse wears thin, becoming a vicious circle of "I'm depressed so I'll eat. Oh dear I'm fat so I'm depressed. I'm miserable so I'll hit the biscuit barrel!" There is no escape from the spiral of destruction that goes hand in hand with that train of thought.
I've eaten because my "mouth has been bored"! Before the days of this blog, I was a non-stop eater. Boredom can be a complete killer in terms of calorie consumption. The very fact I now have this little corner of Cyberspace to keep me occupied means that I would sometimes not think about food for longer periods of time. But eventually the knowledge of the fact that my cupboards contained treats bought for the kids would filter into my conscious and the binging would recommence.
Attempting to eat healthy alternatives is just not an option. How can a small handful of sunflower seeds and a peeled carrot compensate for not having the cream cake that you know is in the fridge? It can't...you just eat both the healthy snack and the cake!
Not having treats in the house is unrealistic. I was not about to deny my kids a lunchbox treat just because I couldn't control myself. But one December I had bought selection boxes for the kids and I hid myself away and literally gorged myself on ten full sized choccie bars because I was feeling a bit down. Shameful!
Being so tall meant I could get away with carrying extra weight, and it wasn't until I went to the doctor's and was weighed that I realised that I had crept into the band of the BMI chart that screamed OBESE!!!! To me, obese people were those bed bound giants that lay in the prison of their own bodies. The ones who ordered in pizzas and fried chicken as they grew their rolls of undulating fat. Not me! I couldn't be obese...but there I was according to the new fangled calculations of shame.
I'd diet with sterling will power and lose weight quickly, but eventually I'd tire of the feeling of self-deprivation and hit the bakery department of Morrisons with the wild abandon of Augustus Gloop in Wonka's Chocolate Factory. It wouldn't be pretty. I'd convince myself it was a one off glitch, but the dieting spell was broken...it was easy to 'slip' again and again until I was all slip and no diet!
The blogging journey thankfully lead me into the open arms of Sandra from Thinking Slimmer. I agreed to do a trial of a new Slimpod. I didn't have any expectations and although it seemed to work at first, something just made me give up and sabotage my efforts after the 21 day trial. I thought that would be the end of my relationship with Thinking Slimmer but they don't give up that easily. With a few tweaks of my programme, some supportive phone calls and Tweets, I was ready to try again. I had a few false starts but when the time was right I committed to it. This time things have changed dramatically.
It was being at Cybermummy that really brought the difference in me to the fore. All those cupcakes and chocolate bars available to munch on all day long. That used to be my idea of heaven. A cornucopia of sugar laden treats going begging...and all for free! It was the ultimate temptation...but someone forget to tell my unconscious mind to crave them. It didn't even occur to me to want to eat them. I popped a couple in my bag thinking that my girls would love them. I didn't pop them in my mouth! It wasn't until 3pm when I made a conscious decision to have one because I was feeling a bit flaky due to only having a tiny lunch. I recognised a need to eat something to keep me going and I enjoyed trawling all the cupcake displays in the main hall, looking for my prize. I settled on Johnson Baby's offering and it was a good choice. Light vanilla sponge and not too much frosting. I savoured my treat and no floodgate of food cravings was opened. That to me is a huge success.
I want to be able to eat something delicious from time to me, having factored in the calorie content. I want to enjoy it, relishing the indulgence, but confident in the fact that one will be enough. I want to live my life without feeling that I can't go out anywhere because I'm afraid of temptation. This door has finally opened up to me...I am at last free."
This is my Mumentum post. Thank you to the lovely ladies and the wonderful Liska for making me not feel alone with my issues and triumphs. Thank you to Sandra and Trevor for the opportunity to try something that I would never have considered doing myself otherwise. My life is truly changing.