Monday, 27 June 2011

My Psychology of Slimming

"I am someone who has previously suffered from an eating disorder.  I have starved myself.  I have pretended to eat, hidden food and felt proud of my deceit.

Over the years, my eating disorder took on a new tact...that of binge eating.  I have no stop button.  I can keep going, stuffing my face with food without ever feeling sick or full.

Clearly the binge eating was not good for the waist line and eventually the whole consumption of hundreds of calories in one sitting took its toll.

The emotional aspect of comfort eating is an easy excuse to justify why I had just eaten a family sized 200g bar of Cadbury's Wholenut, followed by a family bag of Tortilla Chips (yes I really did that).  But to me that excuse wears thin, becoming a vicious circle of  "I'm depressed so I'll eat. Oh dear I'm fat so I'm depressed.  I'm miserable so I'll hit the biscuit barrel!"  There is no escape from the spiral of destruction that goes hand in hand with that train of thought.

I've eaten because my "mouth has been bored"!  Before the days of this blog, I was a non-stop eater.  Boredom can be a complete killer in terms of calorie consumption.  The very fact I now have this little corner of Cyberspace to keep me occupied means that I would sometimes not think about food for longer periods of time.  But eventually the knowledge of the fact that my cupboards contained treats bought for the kids would filter into my conscious and the binging would recommence.

Attempting to eat healthy alternatives is just not an option.  How can a small handful of sunflower seeds and a peeled carrot compensate for not having the cream cake that you know is in the fridge?  It can' just eat both the healthy snack and the cake!

Not having treats in the house is unrealistic.  I was not about to deny my kids a lunchbox treat just because I couldn't control myself.  But one December I had bought selection boxes for the kids and I hid myself away and literally gorged myself on ten full sized choccie bars because I was feeling a bit down.  Shameful!

Being so tall meant I could get away with carrying extra weight, and it wasn't until I went to the doctor's and was weighed that I realised that I had crept into the band of the BMI chart that screamed OBESE!!!!  To me, obese people were those bed bound giants that lay in the prison of their own bodies.  The ones who ordered in pizzas and fried chicken as they grew their rolls of undulating fat.  Not me!  I couldn't be obese...but there I was according to the new fangled calculations of shame.

I'd diet with sterling will power and lose weight quickly, but eventually I'd tire of the feeling of self-deprivation and hit the bakery department of Morrisons with the wild abandon of Augustus Gloop in Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  It wouldn't be pretty.  I'd convince myself it was a one off glitch, but the dieting spell was was easy to 'slip' again and again until I was all slip and no diet!

The blogging journey thankfully lead me into the open arms of Sandra from Thinking Slimmer.  I agreed to do a trial of a new Slimpod.  I didn't have any expectations and although it seemed to work at first, something just made me give up and sabotage my efforts after the 21 day trial.  I thought that would be the end of my relationship with Thinking Slimmer but they don't give up that easily.  With a few tweaks of my programme, some supportive phone calls and Tweets, I was ready to try again.  I had a few false starts but when the time was right I committed to it. This time things have changed dramatically.

It was being at Cybermummy that really brought the difference in me to the fore.  All those cupcakes and chocolate bars available to munch on all day long.  That used to be my idea of heaven.  A cornucopia of sugar laden treats going begging...and all for free!  It was the ultimate temptation...but someone forget to tell my unconscious mind to crave them.  It didn't even occur to me to want to eat them.  I popped a couple in my bag thinking that my girls would love them.  I didn't pop them in my mouth!  It wasn't until 3pm when I made a conscious decision to have one because I was feeling a bit flaky due to only having a tiny lunch.  I recognised a need to eat something to keep me going and I enjoyed trawling all the cupcake displays in the main hall, looking for my prize.  I settled on Johnson Baby's offering and it was a good choice. Light vanilla sponge and not too much frosting.  I savoured my treat and no floodgate of food cravings was opened.  That to me is a huge success.

I want to be able to eat something delicious from time to me, having factored in the calorie content.  I want to enjoy it, relishing the indulgence, but confident in the fact that one will be enough.  I want to live my life without feeling that I can't go out anywhere because I'm afraid of temptation.   This door has finally opened up to me...I am at last free."

This is my Mumentum post.  Thank you to the lovely ladies and the wonderful Liska for making me not feel alone with my issues and triumphs.  Thank you to Sandra and Trevor for the opportunity to try something that I would never have considered doing myself otherwise.  My life is truly changing.


  1. I too am hoping to make changes to my diet that will allow me to have an odd treat without feeling the need to gorge or feel guilty! I'm so glad you have reached the point were you now feel in control....long may it last :) x

  2. I've been on that binging ride and then onto the all slip no diet rollercoaster. It feels great to have finally left that theme park behind, doesn't it. Well done!

  3. My big problem is once I have a treat my head thinks well I have cheated now so what the hell, in for a penny in for a pound and all that I then begin raiding the cupboards for what next.

    Congratulations for having will power and realising you can have a little bit of something nice without going off the rails.

    The Slimpods seem to be working for you.

    Dianne ;-) x

  4. This is an amazing post. Thankyou for sharing. I too am discovering the amazing force that is Sandra and Trevor combined. Thinking Slimmer is a truly magical product. I have lost weight through willpower, but I will keep it off right now because of this. Best of luck on the rest of your journey although it doesn't sound like you'll need it.

  5. As another person who has suffered from eating disorders in the past I appreciate your honest and frank post. I haven't really written to much about my history mainly because my family all read my blog! I am finding your experience with Thinking Slimmer inspirational and am hoping it is going to work for me too. I amazed that you were able to resist the cupcakes and also just eat one when you needed a lift. That's what I want to be like too. Something has clicked for me today so fingers crossed I get to the stage you are at. keep going :-) xx

  6. I've been there as well, brilliant that you feel more in control :-))

  7. Stick with it!! My first one failed because it was about visualising yourself in a dress and I wear something as simple as that made a massive difference. Sandra is brilliant to speak to so make sure you keep in touch with her on Twitter. Good luck and believe in yourself!! xxx

  8. What a wonderful success story! Ongoing support is the missing link with so many 'solutions' & the difference is knowing that the people behind the product want you to succeed, not just to buy. Many of us (myself included) are no stranger to food 'issues' in the past & I'm so happy for you - you're doing great!

  9. jessies_online28 June 2011 at 12:47

    well done Wendy, that's a huge achievement going from binging to choosing a cake and enjoying it without having the need to go and eat more.

  10. Wendy, I read this blog with such interest and didn't quite realise how difficult it must have been for you when you were binging - however, you have done brilliantly and I am so proud of you and your new shape - you do look fabulous and I applaud your supporters for helping you and giving you the incentive to lose weight.

  11. notyetayummymummy28 June 2011 at 17:06

    You don't realise how many people truly struggle with food issues. For each of us it manifests in different ways but it seems deep down we feel the same. I know I keep saying it but you are an inspiration to us all and you must be incredibly proud of yourself x

  12. Its really weird but for the past two days the idea of eating chocolate has
    made me feel physically sick! I think something really has clicked..thanks
    for your kind words, am feeling positive about this so am going to keep
    going x

  13. Wendy, my goodness, SNAP!! I was really worried about starting Slimpods because I used to have an eating disorder. Trying to stay off the scales is a major issue for me. I can't diet - far too dangerous and obsessive for me. Going from someone that used to starve themselves to someone that binge eats is such a shock. I'm really struggling with that at the moment. Thanks for linking up, and I'm looking forward to hearing how you are getting on next month. PS. At my worst I was 6 stone, I'm now 9 stone 6 pounds. YIKES! x

  14. I have just come across this post, it's great and very honest, I see myself in a lot of what you say. I have been dieting and binging over and over and have lost 4 stone but i need to keep at it, I am on a plateau at the moment but my plateau is the size of table mountain. Your statement 'all slip and no diet; is where i am now.
    i can honestly say though that reading this post has kicked me into gear , thank you.

  15. I've just bought a slimpod and am hopeful that it will help me lose enough weight to drop a jeans size. I'm reading lots of blogs from the website and all are saying good things so fingers crossed. x

  16. Good luck with it! I know so many people who have achieved the weight loss they wanted...just work with the Slimpod and I'm sure you'll drop that jeans size. I've gone from a tight size 16 to a 12! x

  17. how to stop compulsive eating19 September 2012 at 07:06

    I got there lots of
    helpful content and great information. Thanks a lot for your help.



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