With just a couple of weeks to go until we all congregate en masse to attend Cybermummy 2011, I feel a little niggle of panic rise from the pit of my stomach. But what is the reason for my little wobble???
I know a lot of people are anxious about meeting everyone...the strange combination of virtual confidante yet physical stranger mixed into one is indeed bizarre. Many of these 'strangers' will know all about your life, your kids, your husband, your problems, your hopes and fears. They will know your most embarrassing moments intimately....yet you have never actually met before! However, this is not one of my anxieties. I have been fortunate enough to meet a lot of lovely ladies at various events this year and it has been nothing but positive! Everyone has been exactly how I imagined them to be and the fact that they all know the story behind why I am tee-total did not come between us!!
Many bloggers are worrying about what to wear. I'm turning up in jeans...it is my clothing of choice and I want to be comfortable throughout the day. So I'm not stressing about anyone showing up in the same frock as me, or worrying about which designer I'll be showcasing...fashion just ain't my thing. I am perfectly confident in my wardrobe choice...I'm not going to dazzle anyone with my glamour, but that was never my intention!
Weightloss is something that has been a huge topic of conversation across Twitter as we all try to shed a few pounds. I'm no exception to this. I am attempting to slim down....6lbs lost so far! But I'm not doing it for Cybermummy....I'm using Cybermummy as a target for my visualisation in my hypnotherapy. It's an event along the way which will help me lose the weight in achievable chunks. It's just one step on my journey. It's not being done for vanity and I really don't worry what other people think...I'm doing it for my health, to gain control over my eating and for my own self-esteem. If this in turn makes me feel better in my skin at Cybermummy then that will be a bonus, but I'm certainly not dieting to impress my fellow bloggers on the day! (But if anyone is impressed I'll be inwardly very smug and eternally grateful...after all I am only human!) My diet will also be put on hold over the Cybermummy weekend...I'm going to thoroughly enjoy the Cybermummy Eve Party and I won't be skimping on my menu choices. Similarly, I will enjoy my lunch on the day. No nibbling rabbit food to impress anyone with me...oh no!!
Travelling does make me feel a little bit wobbly, but after winning the use of the Hyundai Santa Fe in the Car Share Competition I'm actually quite excited. It is an opportunity to be outside of my comfort zone and embrace the journey as part of the experience. Driving to Central London from Shropshire isn't the nicest journey and I tend to always let Ian do all the driving when we go anywhere as a family. So I'll be reconnecting with my independent side, which I think will actually be empowering. Just hope I can find a parking space big enough when we get there!
However...the one thing that is making me a little sick to my stomach is leaving Freddy. I know he is nearly two, but he is still breastfed. The self weaning has not yet happened. In fact this week my toddler has been poorly and feeding more than ever. This is what panics me about leaving him. The logical part of me says that this is an opportunity for my son to decide that he doesn't need his 'boob' anymore. When I'm around it becomes habitual and there is no incentive for him to stop. Without me there, he will have to do without. He uses cups easily and even drinks milk, but his breastfeeding is something in addition to all this. I know his Daddy will not let him be sad and will do everything in his power to keep my baby boy happy, but my heart still breaks a little bit. I think my biggest fear, if I am totally honest, is that he will make the decision to give up breastfeeding completely and that part of our journey together will come to an end. I know it's daft, but the bond is so strong. This will be a final cutting of the umbilical cord...my little baby will be a big boy. On one hand I am looking forward to him being independent so he can be less reliant on me, but the other part of me is holding onto to this stage with dear life. He is my last baby...I know how quickly they grow up...I just wasn't in any rush for it to happen.
So if you see a woman clutching a photo of a cute little boy whilst trying to stem the flow from her leaking breasts...it'll probably be me!! I promise though to try and keep that behaviour for the hotel room only. Cybermummy is a time for me. My blogging has literally changed my life and I am embracing every opportunity it throws at me. But that doesn't stop the fact that I am going to feel like someone has chopped off one of my limbs. I know, I know...I'm one of those women who define themselves by their children. But do you know what...I wouldn't want it any other way!