Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Back to the Grindstone

Today's rain is a pathetic fallacy...a representation of the damp squib that is engulfing me this morning.  I always feel like this after big events.  The post party blues feeling that is amplified tenfold following the Christmas holidays.

All that build up, the two weeks of festive fun...and then quick as flash it's all over leaving a cold, wet January in its wake.

School runs are resumed which means an early wake up call.  The kids have all been enjoying lie-ins, including Freddy who has happily snoozed until gone nine o'clock.  Clearly, this meant I too could lanquish under my 13 tog duvet, without any consequence to the household.  This morning I awoke to a dark world.  It was grim.  Poor Fred was confused as to why he was being wrenched from his peaceful, cosy slumber into this gloomy, uninviting day.  His protests were not a nice way to begin proceedings.  Thankfully my girls were brilliant, upping and dressing with enthusiasm and injecting some sunshine into my grey mood.  Freddy continued his half asleep grizzling, refusing breakfast and resisting his nappy change. 

Also this morning, a cursory glance in the mirror confirmed the undoing of all the good work I'd done pre-Christmas with regard to my weightloss.  How can the fat cells just all ping back with a vengeance so quickly!  I know that my self-loathing fuelled selection box binges are not good...but to punish me so severely and so quickly seems just too cruel.

OK...enough of this self-pity!   I will take control again.  I will get back into the driving seat and try to control this potential car crash before the collision occurs.  I know I am prone to giving into the dark passenger who tries to steer me towards a depressive destination.  I've battled with the dark side all my life.  I was the soulful, sullen child.  I was the self-harming teen.  I refuse to be the prozac popping housewife.

So with a drop of Bach's Rescue Remedy on my tongue, a newfound committment to beginning my healthy eating and weightloss plan and a refusal to succumb to this cloud that is threatening to consume me, I will face the day with the reverance it deserves.  Because even though it is drab and grey, and even though my precious girls are back at school and not here with me, and even though my jeans are pinching and cutting off the circulation to my is the first day of the rest of my life, filled with promise and potential that is mine to unlock and discover!  My beautiful baby boy is now in a happier mood, no longer shouting for the return of his sisters and dad...he seems content with my company and his box of Mr Potato Heads! 

I know I am extremely blessed....sometimes I just need to remember just how blessed I really am and let the brightness chase away this darkness that creeps in.  Thankfully, I find it much easier to push it away these days...recognising it before it envelopes me completely. With my fantastic, supportive and understanding husband and my wonderful kids by my side, I can take on the wrath of January and come out smiling!!

The sullen child still lurks inside me.


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