Sunday 29 May 2011

Possibly the Bravest Post I've Done...Momentum!

I've decided that the only way I'm going to get motivated enough to really stick at the latest in a long line of failed diet attempts is to open up to everyone.  I want to share what I see when I look in the mirror.  I want to express the feeling of vulnerability and the desire to change.  I want to write a post that inspires me to do it for the long haul.

Since having Freddy I've lost over 3 stone, although the last stone has gone back on and off over the last 12 months.  It is that stone which is my problem.  It is that stone that I want to shake off and put behind me for good.  It is that stone that reminds me that I am weak, that I am undisciplined with my diet and that I am a failure.  It is that stone which terrifies me, taunts me and mocks my attempts.  But it is also the stone that I hide behind.  The one that almost comforts me, as it strips away any expectations.  It enables my gluttony.  It is my feeder.  It tells me "What difference does it make what you're fat anyway?"  It manipulates, lies and smirks as I eat another piece of cake or two.

For every part of me that wants to change, there is an equal part that fears that change.  It is ridiculous.  But it is that that sabotages my attempts.  Something buried deep inside that doesn't want to give up the greed and the comfort of limitless food.  It holds on tight.  I wish I could unearth why.

When I was younger I was thin.  My eating disorders, my rebellion and my control, maintained a skinny figure.  But I wasn't happy.  I look at photos of me with that body...5ft 11" and sylph-like...and wonder why I wasn't ecstatically happy, confident and in control.  Instead I was a depressed self harmer with no self-esteem who found myself single and pregnant at 18.  We are promised by the media and told by the multi-million dollar diet industry that slim equals happy.  We are told that the secret to happiness is to shed those last few pounds.  We are shown images of smiling women, spinning round in floaty dresses and posing next to giant jeans that they used to wear.  If only life was that simple.

As a Teenager
Pregnancy and the birth of my son turned my life around and put me on the path to where I am now.  My life has become a happy place where I feel content, safe and secure.  My adoring husband is supportive, complimentary, passionate and he loves me regardless of what size I am.  And over the years that we have been together, I have been many sizes!

Yet still this elusive weight related utopia beckons to me.  I want it, I really do.  These pictures show why.

Christmas 2009, and I'm stuffing in Ferrero Rochers in a "How Many Can You Eat In One Minute" contest with my family. I do well in these gluttony based competitions...funny that!

Christmas 2009
My sister got married in February of the following year.  I lost nearly 2 stone in 2 months.  I bought an outfit and some new wardrobe staples in size 16.  Within a few weeks, the new wardrobe I bought was too big.  Unworn size 16 jeggings still languish in my wardrobe.

February 2010
I have yo-yoed since then...stone on, stone off, but I am wearing size 14 clothes now.  The jeans are actually way too big and I always end up looking like a builder...not a good look.  I got brave and bought myself some size 12 jeans for Cybermummy and they fit well.  But they do unnerve me a little...since buying them I've been back to my old binging.  I've put on 5 lbs!

May 2011
I've just embarked on a Thinking Slimmer Slimpod Trial to "Lose 2 Jean Sizes" (available in Autumn) alongside a "Chocoholic Cure" .  The hypnosis MP3's have worked for me before, until my subconscious came along and sabotaged my success.  I had a phone call with Sandra (the founder of Thinking Slimmer) and discussed my 'problem' at length and this latest combination of Slimpods could help me on my way.  I am feeling more empowered.  My other weapon is my Diet Plate which helps immensely with portion control.  It is an excellent tool for making sure you don't over eat at meal times.  I'm also priveleged to be friends with some lovely ladies on Twitter including the lovely Liska who have the MomemTum group.  Support from other women sharing the same experiences is very powerful and motivating.

I'll leave you with the physical embodiment of the extra stone.  My belly.  Five pregnancies and an adulthood of yo-yo diets have resulted in something resembling over handled dough.  It's not attractive and it hangs over my waistband when I sit down.  I want it gone.  Now I've shown everyone what lurks beneath the baggy jumpers...I have a duty to get rid of it.

What lurks beneath!
Cybermummy is so close now!  I want to feel full of confidence as I walk in!  I want to look nice.  I don't want to hide beneath a baggy top.  I was tweeting last night about what to wear...I really want a gorgeous top.  But I don't even know what a gorgeous top would look like.  I hate clothes shopping.  I wish I had a Gok Wan to give me a hand!!  First things first starts NOW!!!!!


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