Working on a whole new me

This year, after turning 46, I have decided to really take some control on my life. I'm not getting any younger and I'm aware that I'm not as fit nor as slim as I would like to be.  So rather than slipping complacently into middle age, I have decided to make it my mission to become the me that I want to be. A mum that my kids can be proud of and aspire to be like and a wife who will enjoy an active future with my husband.

My plan is multi-faceted, taking a holistic approach to health, happiness and well being. As my confidence in myself is increasing, these things are taking on a life of their own. I am finding things about me are changing and I'm happy just going along with it. 

Diet

I am a vegetarian. However, I am an over-eating vegetarian who enjoys food a bit too much. This meant lots of cheese, plenty of carbs and big portions of dinner. This year, I've made steps towards a more plant based diet. Many meals are becoming vegan and I'm making alternative dairy free versions of family favourite meals like my vegan Mac & Cheese. I've made switches to almond milk, soya cream and coconut oil. I've also added more nuts, seeds, vegetables and pulses to our meals, and I've cut down on my refined sugar intake. I still make some slightly more indulgent things from time to time and still enjoy the occasional treat, but on a whole, my family's diet has improved.

However, even though the food I was preparing and consuming was all good stuff, my natural propensity to greediness still resulted in eating to excess. Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to bump into the lovely Sandra from Thinking Slimmer at this year's Blog On MOSI conference. Having worked with Thinking Slimmer before and becoming one of the original weightloss blogger poster girls for the product, I know that Slimpods work. They retune your mind using cognitive hypnotherapy, altering the way your brain thinks about food, allowing you to make good choices naturally.  Sandra agreed to me trialing the Slimpods again and I've started listening at bedtime. 

I must be very susceptible to the Slimpod's suggestion or maybe a part of my brain has been instantly reawakened, because from the very first day I changed. Like someone had thrown a switch in my brain removing the urge to mindlessly snack through every waking hour or eat beyond fullness. It was incredible and after a week I am 3.5 lbs down simply because my habits have changed. No calorie counting or having to make separate meals, I'm just eating less without even thinking about it. I know that the extra weight will be gone soon, while the foods I eat nourish and fuel my body, rather than fill me up with empty calories.

Exercise

Just by making the decision to take back control, I have found myself feeling more active: dancing around the kitchen while I wait for the kettle to boil, jumping up and lunging just for fun or doing some vigorous housework. I'm just more energised. Although doing structured exercise isn't really my thing (my Scoliosis means I end up putting my back out if I go to the gym or do a class), taking active days out with the family really appeals to me.  We have recently bought season tickets to Trentham Gardens and love going for long walks around the lake. I'd like to take our walking further. Climbing the Wrekin is something I'd like to try to do now Freddy is a bit bigger. Popping on our walking boots and packing our waterproofs, some water and healthy snacks in to a suitable rucksack (I've spotted some good rucksacks available online) I reckon we could scale the 1335 ft high peak!  Our Merlin Annual Passes are also great for going on days out. Alton Towers not only boasts some cool rides and CBeebies Land, it has some lovely walks through the gardens, which are pretty steep in places. You get a good workout and its very pretty.

I like the idea of us keeping fit together as a family. I am not the sort of person who could go solo and take up something like running (I have pondered this prospect over and over again as my sister runs and just completed her latest 10K race) but it's just not for me. Walking in beautiful places however, up hills, around lakes, through gardens or in woodland, whilst having fun with Ian and the kids sounds like a good compromise.

Beauty treatments

I've never really been the glamorous type. My own mother refused to leave the house without a full face of make-up, but I am the complete opposite. I'll happily do the school run with a face like nature intended. I've never really bothered with a full blown skincare cleanse, tone and moisturise routine, and until recently, I hadn't been to a hairdresser for years. My mum religiously dyed her hair for as long as I can remember, touching up her white roots with mascara in between treatments. Unlike her, I've decided to go grey naturally. Whether this is down to pure apathy or whether I think silver highlights look cool is open to debate!

Recently however, I've embraced my girlie side, relishing pampering myself top to toe. From face masks to nail varnish to fake tanned legs to pedicures - I am really enjoying using all my beauty products and feeling good about my self.  It feels good to have a bit of me-time while the kids are at school to do something for myself. Me-time is something I've never really understood until now, but investing a little in myself really is a positive thing. Although I'll never be a total glamour puss, I am enjoying taking a bit more time over myself and my beauty rituals. 

Happiness

I make no secret of the fact that I have previously found the concept of happiness quite elusive. In the past I've struggled with depression, dwelling on some dark parts of my life, able to achieve only a superficial kind of fleeting happiness rather than real contentment. But over the years this has changed dramatically. 

Becoming more mindful and reflective has allowed me to let go of so much of the darkness. I have found peace with a lot of issues that festered inside me, freeing me to live in the present and embrace the joy that surrounds me. The joy that comes from being a wife and mother to the most wonderful people that I have in my life. I strive to be a better person and have learnt that true happiness comes from giving rather than taking.

I am in a good place. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen, but when they do I'm better positioned to help those around me through them. My mantra these days is that I can't change things that have happened, but I can change the way I deal with them and the effect they have on me. Life truly is so precious, to live it in the dark is such a waste.

Taking responsibility for my health, for my happiness and for my life has made a huge difference to me. Here's hoping I can maintain my momentum and emerge a better person.

Getting old isn't all bad!

I'm getting old.  But it isn't all bad.  It definitely has its perks.

Seeing the results of my years of parenting all grown-up and doing so well, makes me feel every single moment was worth it.  From the sleepless nights to the tantrums to the school runs to the heartbreaks and beyond, I know it has all worked out OK and I must have done a pretty good job for the past 26 years. My three grown-up kids make me immensely proud.  Joe balances being a career man with being a family man. His hands on approach to being a dad is wonderful to witness. Seeing your own child as a parent is such a humbling experience.

Megan is following her dreams and is involved in TV and film production. Just a few months ago she took a huge gamble and quit her job in marketing. It hasn't taken her long to make her mark in the industry, starting off as an unpaid runner, gaining a good reputation and being recommended for work.  She's currently working for the BBC and can add working with John Hurt to her CV. Her determination and ambition inspires me so much.

Ella is in the middle of her A'Levels and is off to university in September. She's got an exciting future ahead. Our house will be so much emptier without her, but I am so excited to see her take this huge step and will be supporting her all the way.  I'll still have my two youngest at home to keep me busy, and we will enjoy visiting everyone at weekends!

Not only am I a grandparent, I am also an incredibly proud Great Auntie (aka Grauntie because it sounds so much cooler!) I am loving the new generation of little people who are taking their place on my family tree, and the promise of future grandchildren, great nephews and great nieces thrills me to bits.

However there is absolutely no denying the fact that my body is ageing, changing and entering a new phase of my life.  My hair is gradually losing the battle of the grey but I absolutely refuse to start dying it.  My natural hair colour is almost black and the root/dye contrast will be just too stark. So I have to get used to the white hairs sprouting where once dark hair grew. I convince myself that the interlopers, stripped of their youthful tones are silver highlights.  It sounds so much more glamorous!

I look at Ian, the man I have known for over 30 years, my husband of 17 years.  He has crinkles around his eyes, his beard is salt and pepper and his back doesn't hold out as well as it did a decade ago.  But when I look at those laughter lines and grey hairs I see someone I am honoured to grow old with.  He always told me he wanted to grow old with me, and here we are hitting our mid forties together and still very much in love. We are still both young at heart, we adore our family and we pride ourselves on still being "down with the kids"!

We don't plan to let the onset of old age bulldoze over us anytime soon.  We have embarked on a huge overhaul of our vegetarian diets.  We eat cleaner now and actively embrace healthy eating.  We have ditched all the processed rubbish, the refined sugars, dairy products and chemical additives and opened our eyes to the joys of fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, cooking meals from scratch and finding healthy alternatives in our choice of carbohydrates. We are really enjoying getting creative with courgette 'noodles' and cauliflower 'rice'!

In the scheme of things, these are small changes but they made a great difference to our lives.  I have lost weight without 'dieting' and some health issues I was having such as dizzy spells, extreme tiredness and hormonal imbalances seem to have completely gone. (I blame too much refined sugar and a Pepsi Max addiction for the symptoms, so eliminating both from my diet has helped enormously!)

Our advancing years are not something to fear or dread.  They hold the promise of many more wonderful adventures.  Watching our five children forging their paths in the world, embracing the next generation of our family and enjoying entering the autumn of my years with the man I love.

LighterLife Fasting - How Easy is the 5:2 Diet?

I'm into the second week of my 5:2 diet plan using LighterLife Fastpacks on my fast days.  After week one, my weight had dropped by 3 lbs even though I had enjoyed an Indian takeaway on one of my 'normal' eating days.  Definitely the kind of dieting that appeals to me!

The LighterLife Fastpacks are much tastier than I thought they would be, and surprisingly filling even though the portion size is quite small.  Knowing that I am getting my full RDA of nutrients makes the 5:2 diet concept safe and reassuring.  I am not depriving my body of any vitamins or minerals, I am just cutting calories for two days a week.

The packs are easy to make up using water.  My advice though would be to put the mix into a bowl first then gradually add the water while whisking with a hand whisk.  Day 1's rather lumpy porridge taught me the lesson of proper mixing - you can't just chuck it in a bowl and microwave and hope for the best.  Since realising this, everything else has turned out perfectly well.

The porridge has a very fine texture, is sweet and creamy.   My kids said it looked like baby food, but I am one of those mums who secretly enjoyed the odd bowl of baby porridge or a smooshed rusk, so this was actually a positive to me!  I enjoyed it and it was comforting and filling. I have a late breakfast on my fast days, which I find stops me feeling hungry before lunchtime.

Lunch is a bowl of soup.  Again I enjoyed it as it is creamy, thick and highly flavoured.  I liked the little bits of vegetable in it, giving me something to chew on!  Again it was surprisingly filling for a bowl of soup.

The snack bars are actually quite big.  I have peanut bars and toffee bars which are both very nice.  they don't taste like a 'diet' product at all, which surprised me.  The peanut bar, pictured below is like a puffed wheat cereal bar crossed with a soft peanut brittle! The toffee bar is wafer and soft caramel in a chocolate coating.  They fill me up until dinner time and give you a sweet treat on fast days, plus they are packed with nutrients.

The pasta carbonara and spaghetti bolognese meals are both vegetarian dishes containing soya. I was honestly quite shocked that they tasted really nice. If I am honest, I expected something akin to a bland Pot Noodle but I was very wrong.  Both are really flavoursome with a good texture.  The carbonara, pictured below, was creamy with a real taste of smoky ham.  It was nice to have the pasta pieces and I felt quite satisfied afterwards.  The spaghetti bolognese is really yummy with soya mince and short pieces of spaghetti combined.  I have lost a few calories from my dinners because my daughters kept wanting to try them! So hats off to LighterLife for making 150 calories of dinner taste so appealing.

The overall experience of a fast day has been really positive.  I drank zero calorie drinks such as water and black decaff coffee.  I must confess that I did miss fresh fruit and veg on my first fast day, so I chopped up a carrot and kept it in the fridge to nibble on, just so I could eat something 'real'.  At only 30 calories, I feel this was a worthwhile addition that made the fasting much easier and satisfied that craving.  But knowing that I would be eating fruit and veg again the next day meant that missing fresh food was a very minor concern.

The food I am eating during the 5 normal days is what I would usually eat, meals such as vegetable stews, curries, Mexican dishes and Quorn based meals.  I am definitely noticing a psychological knock on effect from the fast days, making me eat better. On a whole, I am being more mindful of what I am putting in my body and not eating junk and unhealthy snacks between meals, as I don't want to undo the good I'm doing on my fast days. I still enjoy an occasional take away or meal out without worrying too much about my diet.  I find myself making better choices such as switching my usual Mocha to an Americano, or having fresh fruit as a snack.

I can switch around the fast days to suit myself as long as I choose two non-consecutive days.  So it fits in really well with my lifestyle.  I like the fact that I am not deprived of eating foods I enjoy during the week and I only have to be really strict on the two fast days.  But given that LighterLife have made the two fast days so easy, sticking to the plan is not an issue and takes minimal effort.  The 5:2 diet has given me a much needed focus on my diet after the excesses of Christmas and I do enjoy having a structure to my eating that drives me towards my goal.

You can continue to follow my LighterLife fastdays experience on Twitter @wendymcd83 with the hashtag #tryfast.

Diet Chef Video Review

I have come to the end of my 28 days with Diet Chef and my experience has genuinely been very positive.  Overall I have lost a total of 12 lbs which I am delighted about.  I found it incredibly easy to stick to, and feel that I have embraced a much healthier outlook to my diet and attitude to food.  Here is a video to summarise the experience of four weeks on the Diet Chef eating plan and address some of the comments that my readers, friends and family have made regarding the plan.


                               

Find out more at www.dietchef.co.uk

See my other Diet Chef reviews:

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Diet Chef Diary - Week 3

Today something really nice happened-someone noticed that I had lost weight!  It is such a boost to your self esteem when you know someone has noticed the results of all the hard work you have put into dieting.  I was so pleased.

I have lost another 3 lbs, bringing the total to 10lbs lost in three weeks on the Diet Chef plan.  I feel better and more confident and I feel like I am back on track with healthy eating.

Ian has noticed a difference in my attitude to food.  We have been away for a weekend and had a meal out in a restaurant since starting my Diet Chef plan.  Usually, these are the sort of events that would see me either getting upset because I would be worried about what I could eat, or I would simply go off the rails and stuff my face with whatever I could eat and then feel guilty about it afterwards.  This time was different.  I chose healthy options from the menus, drank water and actually left food on my plate when I was full. I didn't feel the need to eat between meals and had no desire for junk food or anything sweet. I feel that the diet plan has re-educated my system and seeing results has strengthened my resolve.  It was really easy to pick up on the Diet Chef meals on my return home.

There is no magic formula to the Diet Chef meals.  They are simply, good, well prepared ready meals that are calorie counted and portion controlled.  They are quick and easy to prepare and take away all the stress and anxiety that can accompany a diet.  It is a great way to kickstart a diet, providing structure with varied and enjoyable meals.

I have really enjoyed having my meals for the week all pre-planned and ready to eat.  The rest of the family still need feeding which means I am still cooking for them.  But as my meals are already prepared, I don't need to then cook something separately for myself too.  It makes juggling being a mum and a dieter much easier.

I haven't eaten the snacks as I just don't want to eat anything sweet like a cereal bar or biscuits.  I find that stopping the sugary foods takes away the cravings I used to have.  Going cold turkey on the sweet treats works for me and I don't see any benefit from eating between meals if I'm not hungry.  This has meant that on some days my calorie count may have been a little low but I've added vegetables or rice to my main meals to make sure I stay within the realms of healthy dieting.

Overall, I still really like the Diet Chef concept and the food is good and doesn't contain any nasty additives. Once the plan is over, I will continue to eat meals taking the portion size and calorie content of the Diet Chef meals as a basis for what I prepare. With my hunger and cravings under control, I think I will be able to continue on a 1200-1500 calorie a day eating plan for another few weeks.  This opportunity came at a perfect time for me, when I was feeling a bit low, fat and frumpy.  Now I'm well on the way to feeling fabulous!

I definitely feel more confident and am excited at the prospect of slimming down, looking better and feeling healthier.

At the moment you can sign up to a month's plan for just £4.64 a day, which provides all meals and a snack for each day of the week, delivered free to your door. Find out more at dietchef.co.uk.

Diet Chef Review

Diets can be a very complicated business as you try to choose suitable food, count calories, negotiate tricky recipes, cook separate meals for yourself, measure out portions and try to keep your meals interesting.  It's easy to get bored, begin obsessing about calories or feel like you are missing out on something. No wonder so many diets fail!

Diet Chef is an online company that does all the work for you so you don't have to worry about the numbers or even think about what you need to cook.  Providing a calorie-counted, portion controlled breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack everyday, they take all the effort and thought out of dieting. You just need to pick your meal choices from over 100 dishes on the website which are then delivered straight to your door in a monthly hamper.  At just £6.43 a day, a Diet Chef plan costs little more than grabbing a latte and a muffin at a coffee shop or buying lunch out.  

Diet Chef wants to make busy mums across the UK feel good about themselves and their bodies by providing a nutritious, healthy affordable and convenient meal plan. When I was offered the chance to trial a month of Diet Chef meals as a way of giving me a boost this summer, I was all too happy to take part. I have struggled recently with my weight as I was eating a lot of high calorie foods in an attempt to boost my energy and keep me awake.  I was permanently tired and lethargic and after a bad dizzy spell and some bouts of breathlessness I went for a blood test which showed I had anaemia.  I've been given iron which has improved my condition.  I am no longer feeling exhausted all the time and I have energy again.  However the result of eating rubbish and doing nothing for months has taken its toll on my body. A month long diet plan is exactly what I need to feel good about myself again!

As a vegetarian, I wondered how appropriate the Diet Chef plan would be to me, but I needn't have worried.  There are lots of veggie options for both lunch and dinner including soups, shakes, curries, pasta dishes, salads, risotto and chilli. It was easy to pick out 28 breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks.  The variety will ensure I don't get bored eating the same thing everyday. I was honestly impressed by the range.

Ordering is easy and I found the customer service by phone and email to be good and the delivery quick.

The food is all prepared by their chefs and comes in long life packaging which means they do not need to be refrigerated.  This makes it easy to pop a lunch into your bag to take with you if you are away from home. It's all very convenient, when it comes to the meals, you simply heat and eat.

Breakfasts consist of granola, a breakfast bar, muesli or porridge.  Pink Apple and Cinnamon Granola or Vanilla and Banana Porridge make the day start well!  I add low fat yogurt to the granola. Lunch can be a hearty soup, a shake or a pasta salad.  I was extremely impressed with the varieties of veggie soup: Minestrone, Butternut Squash, Carrot & Butternut or Parsnip and Chilli to name a few.  The variety of dinners really impressed me.  Trays or pouches of calorie counted and portion controlled Macaroni Cheese, Veggie Korma, Mushroom Stroganoff, Spelt Rissoto or Tarka Dal will keep me very satisfied.  I just add a portion of vegetables, rice or salad to bulk out the meal.  It's so easy.  So far I have had two days of meals and everything has been very nice and tasty.

I'm not a big one for snacking when I'm on a diet but to know I have some cereal bars, popcorn and oat bite snacks on hand in case I ever get the urge is very reassuring.  A portion of fruit, a handful of nuts or some carrot sticks are also good for snacking.

If you follow the plan you consume 1200 calories a day (plus any extras for the vegetables, fruit, salad, drinks etc. that you add.)  This will lead to a healthy 2 lb a week weightloss.  The health benefits of even a 10% weightloss are enormous.

I really like not having to think about my food.  It's all here, ready to eat.  I know that if I stick to the plan I'll be half a stone lighter by the end.  It really is very easy and a good way to lose a few pounds ahead of a special occasion.  Diet Chef literally does all the work for you making it easy to diet however busy you are.

I'll keep you posted on my progress!

Website: http://www.dietchef.co.uk   

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DietChef 

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/dietchef  

Dieting Deja-Vu and How I Plan to Get Fit in 2013!

I simply can't bring myself to do it!  There is no way anyone could make me get anywhere near a pair of scales right now.  Christmas has been a time of excess.  Excessive take aways from my favourite Indian restaurant, stacks of indulgent festive treats and Ferrero Rocher for breakfast have taken their toll on my body.  Where there was once a waistline, there is flab.  My thighs have become dimply and are threatening to merge with my cankles to produce a pair of tree trunks that any Oak forest would be proud of.  Getting on the scales will be absolute proof that I have taken the very slippery slope back to Chubbsville.  It is time that I take action.  Denial is seriously not an option.  Just because I became a grandmother over the Christmas holidays, it is not an excuse for me to become a complacently plump old Nana.  In fact since becoming a grandparent to baby Ted I am even more aware of the importance of staying fit and healthy for as long as possible.  I want to be a proper Glamorous Granny, so it's time to once again take action and wage war against the cellulite, flab and wobbly bits!

As with all great ideas, a plan of action is called for!  So here is my 2013 Get Fit, Feel Epic post.

1:  Cut the crap!  The first step is simple.  I just need to stop eating the sweets, crisps, cakes, chocolates and biscuits that have become my staple diet over Christmas.  In January I usually get into a completely bonkers mindset where I decide to binge my way through all the leftover selection boxes, tins of Heroes and packets of biccies.  My reasoning is, once they are gone I can start eating healthy again.  How mad is that!?  As I gorge myself on a 400g of Dairy Milk Whole Nut I feel justification because when it's gone it's gone.  Stuffing it all in one go is for the greater good, I tell myself as I force in the next four squares in one mouthful. I neglect to think about the thousands upon thousands of calories I'm pouring into myself.  I eat enough calories in one sitting to feed a whole family for 24 hours! So, this year to get rid of all the leftovers, I've packed Ian off to work with a hamper of cake, mince pies, chocolate bars and crisps to share with his work colleagues.  They get to share the calories between them and I don't need to become a human dustbin to satisfy my mad desire to rid my house of temptation via my mouth.  Sorted!

2:  Save Pennies, Lose Pounds.  The frequency with which we grab the take out menus from the kitchen drawer has becoming so regular that the Indian restaurant knows us by name and never forgets that I like a boiled egg on my calorie rich mushroom biryani.  I do love the treat of not having to cook, but when ordering food in becomes such a habit, it loses its appeal.  If I add up the money we have spent buying Paneer Tikka Massala and Tarka Dal over the last few months, we could have bought ourselves a new TV!  I want getting a take-away to become something we do for a special occasion, not an easy option because I've lost my cooking mojo somewhere between the Quality Street overdose and the cheese laden Smörgåsbords that have replaced healthy eating.  Cooking healthy meals from scratch will prove to be my salvation in the battle of the bulge, and the money saved will be greatly received into my bank account!

3:  Meal Plans.  As a vegetarian I always feel envious of dieting carnivores who get to eat steamed fish and grilled chicken.  Such easy options for low calorie meals with lots of options for variety.  For me, a microwaved Quorn fillet day in, day out soon loses its appeal, plus they are so low in calories I begin to starve myself into a malnourished ball of misery.  So I'm going to get inventive with lots of veggie stews, chillis, bologneses, curries and bakes incorporating lentils, pulses and Quorn products alongside fresh vegetables.  As long as I go light on the carb side of the meal I should be able to eat my fill, get all the nutrients I need and not get bored of the food I eat.  Plus I won't have to make something different for the rest of the family.  Variety is after all the spice of life!

4:  The 'E' Word.  This is the one that scares me the most...exercise.  I'm rubbish as exercise.  I've tried the gym, pilates, yoga, holistic toning and the Mu-Tu system.  The one over-riding factor of all these exercise programmes is that I have put my back out doing them all.  I have scoliosis in my spine.  It's not noticeable and as long as I don't do any twisting, jolting or stretching, it is OK and I am pain free. Sadly, these are the exact movements required to exercise!  As soon as I try anything it goes 'ping' and I'm in agony for a few days. So, this year we are going to do more walking together as a family.  This is not too strenuous in the short term and will be enjoyable incorporating it into day's out. The kids can go on for hours so keeping up with them will improve my stamina, fitness levels and burn off some calories.  When Freddy starts school I will be able to walk him there and back.  This was the main reasoning behind choosing this school for him so I will definitely be clocking up my miles come September!

5:  Change my Mindset.  For me, once I commit to something I become very resolute in seeing it through.  That is until the first hurdle comes along to crash through my wall of confidence, leaving me floundering in self-doubt and self-loathing.  So I need to be kind to myself.  If I have a bad day and find myself scouring the kitchen cupboards for those sachets of sugar you pick up in cafes everytime you buy a coffee, just in case you might one day have a sugar emergency, I will not hail myself an utter failure.  Instead I will look at the reasons why the sugar craving killed my resolve, see it as a one off and pick up from where I left off.  This isn't planning for failure, but it is being realistic in advance so that one mishap will not sabotage my efforts.  Losing weight and getting fit is a long haul effort and as long as the good days outnumber the bad, the over all efforts are never in vain.  We can be too hard on ourselves and this is never a good way to succeed and come out feeling good and positive about our achievements.

6:  Buy Clothes That Fit Me.  I struggle terribly with the psychology of clothes shopping.  Even when I'm a size 12 I find it really difficult to buy size 12 clothes.  I always see myself as a size 18 and feel more comfortable buying big stuff even though it is unflattering and clearly doesn't fit properly.  I'm sure psychiatrists will have a field day telling me why I like to hide myself in man's size XL jumpers.  This year, I promise myself that I will get some good fitting clothes that flatter rather than hide the figure.  I want to look good and feel good about myself.  I am at least finally wearing the right size bra.  For years I wore a 38B when it turned out I was actually a 36D which sounds far more buxom!  So by totally revamping my wardrobe, I'm sure I'd feel so much better about myself.  I think it would also be an incentive to keep the weight off if I had nice things to wear once I'm back at my target weight.

So that's my plan.  Hopefully I won't be treading over this same old ground again this time next year.  Perhaps one day I'll not put on a stone and a half over Christmas by getting back into my bad gluttonous eating habits.  Hopefully this dieting deja-vu will one day be over forever!

Here is a 'Before' shot taken after a particularly heavy family meal (it was good though!!) with my beautiful daughter Megan.  Hopefully by my 44th birthday in April I will be rocking a slimmer body and better fitting clothes!

This is my entry into the Get Fit, Feel Epic competition from Moneysupermarket.com.

Are You Getting Enough Fibre In Your Diet?

I recently took part in a campaign with Warburtons.  Kizzy and I kept a three day food diary to see if we were getting enough fibre in our diet.  With 90% of women not reaching their GDA of fibre and only 1% of adults being aware of the GDA for a child aged between 5 to 10 years old, fibre intake is a bit of a mystery to most of the population.

Warburtons hope to encourage mums to increase their fibre intake especially as many women are cutting down on the amount of carbs, such as bread, pasta and potatoes, they are eating for weightloss reasons.  By doing so, they are missing out on the important nutrients from this food group including fibre.

Fibre is found in wholegrain products such as wholemeal bread, cereals, fruit, pulses and vegetables.  As a vegetarian, we consume a lot of these foods so my fibre analysis showed that I was one of the 10% of women reaching their GDA of 24g a day! (Go me!!)  Kizzy's intake was also spot on achieving an intake of 15g of fibre a day.  I was very pleased to see these results and feel confident that I am providing a good diet for my family.

Dr Hilary Jones has some tips to help us increase our fibre intake:

Increase your fibre slowly
Your body needs to adjust to a change of fibre intake.  Add no more than 5g a day until you reach your GDA of 24g for an adult.

Drink more water
When you increase your fibre intake, increase the amount of water you drink too.

Eat the whole fruit and vegetable
The skin of fruit and vegetables contains fibre so make sure to eat your jacket potato skins!  Aim to eat whole fruits rather than just smoothies or juices.

Aim for 3 portions a day
Spread your fibre intake throughout the day across three meals.

Kids should eat fibre too
Fibre should be introduced to under 5s gradually through fresh fruit, veg and whole grains.  Children aged 5 - 10 should consume about 15g a day.

Taking simple steps such as switching to wholemeal bread and pasta, brown rice and wholegrain cereals helps increase your fibre intake.  Eating a variety of fresh fruit and vegetables is also good.  Including pulses such as beans and lentils is a good source of soluble fibre in the diet (and are really versatile and delicious too).

Warburtons have a great range of fibre rich bread products that will help you get your 24g of fibre to help keep you healthy!  The kids love the 50/50 bread for their toast.

Warburtons also have created the Fibre Provider hub on its Facebook page featuring tips, recipes and product information to help families reach their GDA's of fibre.

My Jenny Craig Competition Entry

Today over on the Jenny Craig blog, you have the chance to win amazing prizes just for asking a question!

Questions will be put to a nutrition and weight management expert and answers featured on the blog over the coming weeks.

My question is:

How do I avoid the longterm pitfalls of falling back into a yo-yo dieting situation?  As someone with a history of repeatedly losing a lot of weight and then piling it back on once the novelty of being slim has passed, I'd love some advice!  I've been a size 18 and I've been a size 12!

First prize is £400 towards a new bike.  After the Olympics, I feel ready to harness my inner Victoria Pendletion so fingers crossed!!

Me and the MuTu System

Before Christmas, I was chosen as a MuTu Mama, to trial the 12 week online training programme designed just for mums.  Pregnancy and birth take their toll on a woman's body and can lead to physical problems that continue long after your baby is born. The MuTu system is designed for post-natal women (however old your baby now is!)

After having Freddy, my fifth child, I was left with ruptured stomach muscles (Diastasis Recti) which left me with a big gaping hole in my abs!  You could literally push your fingers into my internal organs!!  I tried to do sit-ups to fix it, but with zero strength in my core, I could barely lift my head off the ground.  I was actually making the problem worse while trying to make it better.  I was even told by a personal trainer that I may have to consider surgery to have my stomach stitched together, which sounded really serious.

The MuTu system focuses on post-partum problems such as Diastasis Recti, so I thought I had nothing to lose by giving it a go before resorting to serious medical intervention to fix my gaping stomach muscles.

The MuTu System comprises of five interconnecting elements woven together into a series of workouts, motivational strategies and eating guidelines.  Mutu Core repairs and restores tummies. MuTu Breathe helps us relax and tones the pelvic floor.  MuTu Intensive is a 15 minute workout.  MuTu Posture helps us to stand tall and find our mojo.  MuTu Food encourages us to eat right without any hang ups.  It allows real women to get stronger, fitter, leaner, sexier and more confident in the long term, and fits into our busy lifestyles.

I started the MuTu system with loads of enthusiasm.  Unfortunately, I have an old spinal condition which means that I have restricted mobility in my lower back.  I have tried yoga and pilates in the past, but the spinal rolling motion that many of the moves require, puts something out of alignment which is extremely painful for days.  Consequently, I put my back out doing the first breathing exercises!  Oh dear :(  However, Wendy Powell from MuTu phoned me up.  This system isn't just a virtual subscription to an exercise plan, it is real coaching with a real team of understanding people ready to help you succeed.  We discussed my problem and realised that I couldn't just blindly throw myself into exercising, and that I'd probably need extensive physiotherapy to right my spine (which I'll save for another day, because 99% of the time I am pain free as my body has adapted to cope with it). But we discussed what it was I wanted to achieve with MuTu and how I could achieve it.

Consequently, my personal goal was to repair the Diastasis Recti which was my biggest concern.  Adapting certain positions and being aware of my weakness, enabled me to embark on exercises to strengthen and repair my core.  I have to say that I was amazed to see my stomach muscles coming back together!  The gap was narrowed and the strength was returning. After two years of being split open, they  became firmer and the damage was being repaired on the MuTu system.  I lost 2" off my waist measurement within 2 weeks simply by having them close together.  MuTu had done what I was told could only be repaired by surgery.  My stomach muscles now feel normal again.  I am so grateful!

With my goal achieved, I have to confess that I didn't push myself further into the programme.  But I've taken bits on board and will continue with those.  I have my downloaded programme and the online videos, so it's still all available to me.  For the information and exercises on fixing my tummy muscles alone, this has been invaluable and I can't recommend the programme enough for that element of the MuTu System.  Wendy Powell really knows her stuff!

The MuTu System costs just £57 for the 12 week programme.  That is less than a fiver a week (cheaper than a Latte and a Muffin at Starbucks!!), for a programme that could literally change your life!  This is what you'll get:

• Crystal clear step by step, WEEK BY WEEK GUIDE clarifies and summarises each week’s workouts and objectives alongside your weekly videos

• ‘How To’ REFERENCE GUIDE gives you the ‘Need to Know’ as well as the ‘Like to Know’to suit every personality. Dip in and take what you need, when you need it

• Clear instructions on how to diagnose and progress core  strength & diastasis recti , with clear phases of exercises to move through

• 12 multi-tasking workout VIDEOS that fit in with a busy mum’s life. These routines are for real mums, with real lives!

• 2 Yoga AUDIOS guiding you through specific yoga techniques that will directly improve pelvic floor control & posture &  AS WELL AS help you cope with stress & fatigue!

• The exercises you must know & how to do them correctly & effectively, as well as the exercises you must avoid which will actually make your tummy look worse!

• Nutritional secrets to lose fat, combat bloating & avoid excess abdominal fat storage. What to buy (there’s even a shopping list!), how to prepare it, snack ideas, superfoods & the foods that will kickstart your metabolism.

• BONUS personal measurements log to print – plots your weight, measurements and other criteria, whilst keeping your goals front of mind

• BONUS progress journal monitors your exercise and nutritional progress and achievements

Mumentum Update

I am keeping religiously to my diet aided by my Thinking Slimmer Slimpod this week.  In the three weeks that I have been focused on a return to being somewhat virtuous, I have lost a further 12 lbs.  In this time I have had a family party for the MIL and FIL's birthdays that involved a meal out and a cake buffet at my house.  I ate a leek and mushroom shepherd's pie with vegetables and that was it.  Not even a piece of cream cake or cheesecake passed my lips.  Seeing what was left of the puddings, I thought about how I would have finished it all off without even thinking before.  But I just did not want to eat it which is such a revelation.  I binned a load of cake that had been sat out all day...that is unheard of for me.  I would have had cake for breakfast rather than waste it...but the thought of consuming Morisson's BOGOF Frozen Cheesecakes just did not justify the calorie consumption involved.

12lbs lighter.

I do have an ulterior motive to my resolve however.  I have a photoshoot for a national newspaper in London on Wednesday, that has scared me into 100% commitment! (More on this to follow!)  I hope that when the pressure is off, I can still find the motivation to keep the weightloss going.  I want to ease off a bit so I can enjoy the occasional takeaway or quality dessert, but I don't want to plummet down the slippery slope to gluttony.

Balance is always the thing that has been difficult for me.  I'm either 100% resolve or I'm just plain greedy.  I was watching the documentary about Claire from Steps and I could relate to her issues with food completely. Like me, she could lose weight if there was a purpose behind it, otherwise the lure of the naughty but nice takes control.  I'm really hoping this time is different and I can find a happy balance that allows me to enjoy food but still maintain my weightloss.  I think this is where the Slimpods win, as long as I want them to work they will.  This is definitely my greatest long term challenge and possibly the greatest challenge I've ever faced in my life as a yo-yo dieter.

In the last 2 years my weight has tipped the scales over the 16 stone mark...I'm now 3 stone lighter, but my aim is to lose another half a stone and then maintain it, without the wild fluctuations I have experienced over and over again.

I have a terrible self-image of my body, but the whole hypnosis thing has really helped improve my confidence and self-belief.  I can see a change in myself and I want to keep working on that.  I'm not happy yet...but I hope I will be soon.

Curb the Carbs with Dreamfields Pasta

Yes, I'm on a diet again.  So the idea of consuming carbohydrates seems like I am just asking my body to lay down fat and bloat my tummy.  Pasta is such an amazingly versatile and tasty meal time option, but if you are trying to curb the carbs it becomes a big no-no. Thankfully though, there is now a way to enjoy a variety of pasta shapes, safe in the knowledge that it isn't hindering your diet attempts.  I have discovered Dreamfields!!

Dreamfields Pasta is great tasting and healthy, containing only 5g of digestible carbohydrates and twice the fibre of regular pasta.  It has a low Glycaemic index, in fact it is 65% lower than ordinary pasta.  This gives it significant health benefits!  It contains inulin which promotes digestive health and supports a healthy immune system, whilst enhancing calcium absorption. It is cholesterol free and contains no trans fats.

Dreamfields Pasta is made from quality Durum Wheat with no fillers, so it is really tasty.  It comes in seven mouthwatering varieties making it perfect for a whole host of dishes from Spaghetti Bolognese to Lasagne.

Dreamfields sent me a multi pack of their pasta to try out and I've used it in place of my regular pasta.  It really doesn't taste any different to my usual brand, in fact I think it held its texture better and didn't go starchy, so I was very impressed.  Some low GI pastas taste like cardboard but not Dreamfields...it is really delicious.

I particularly liked the "Elbow" shaped pasta as it held the sauce really well. My children enjoyed eating the Dreamfields Pasta making it suitable for all the family.

The reported benefits of a low GI diet include protection from chronic diseases, including diabetes, obesity, certain cancers and cardiovascular disease.  It helps keep blood glucose levels under control which is essential for diabetics.  The carbohydrates in Dreamfields Pasta are digested slowly, making you feel fuller for longer.  Many weight loss diets are based on the consumption of low GI foods.

We are vegetarian so we eat our pasta with veggie or Quorn based sauces.  This is our green lentil, red onion and tomato sauce.  It was an extremely healthy dinner!

Dreamfields Pasta is a guilt-free way to enjoy your favourite comfort food and is the perfect choice for health conscious pasta lovers.  It helps you beat the bloat and can help weightloss.  There is no longer any need to miss out on pasta even if you are curbing the carbs!

It is available to purchase from health food and specialist shops and online.  The multi-pack including one of each variety is available to purchase for £18.20 at the Dreamfields website.

I would highly recommend Dreamfields Pasta for its taste, texture and health benefits.

Mumentum...Throwing the Scales Away

This week I'm taking advice from Sandra at Thinking Slimmer.  I am throwing out the scales.  I know from experience that weight loss is never linear.  The journey to being slimmer comes with sheer drops which are great but also plateaus where the weight does not shift.  Plateauing can be demoralising.  After a week of being virtuous to find that I've lost no weight can be enough to send me to the biscuit tin.  My efforts can be completely ruined after being taunted by the unwavering needle of the bathroom scales.  Being obsessed by the number of pounds lost can definitely cloud my focus.  Weight loss has to be seen as a long term effort, not a quick fix.  Weight can fluctuate from hour to hour depending on whether you have been to toilet, had a big drink or just eaten.  It can change from morning to night.  It definitely changes across the course of the month with water retention.  So relying so heavily on weighing in, can lead to demoralisation and wanting to just give up when the scales don't seem to reward your week's dieting.

I am the sort of dieter who jumps on the scales everyday searching for the elusive lost pound.  If I felt I had been particularly good I would be gutted if the scales stayed the same.  It would really put a cloud over my day.  I'd wonder why I was bothering if I wasn't getting the results.

I had brilliant weight loss for my first two weeks since joining in with mumentum.  This really showed me how my gluttony was responsible for a good stone of my excess weight.  Stopping the greed is a quick fix to shedding those pounds.  However there is no way I can sustain weight loss like that...it would be unhealthy anyway.  The weight loss has to slow down, but I know from experience that the slow, steady decrease in weight frustrates me.  That frustration can really scupper me!  I've done it so many times in the past.

So instead of falling prey to something that I know will knock me off my path to a slimmer me, I'm going to stay away from weighing myself every week.  So I can't tell you whether I've lost weight or not.  But I can report that my size 12 jeans do up without a struggle...so that's got to be good right?

I can say that I'm not snacking between meals and I haven't touched chocolate at all.  I am eating the same as the family, which means my meals are not very low calorie.  So if I notice no changes I can up the ante by making diet dinners for myself...so that is a weapon in my arsenal!  Fingers crossed though things will keep going in the right direction.

I hope everyone else is doing well this week and that you are all feeling good about yourselves!!  We will get there ladies!!

Mumentum...Weekly Update!!

Two weeks ago I was ready to change myself for the better.  At 6' tall I was carrying my excess weight all over, and although I'm not huge in any one dimension, I felt mannish, like an Olympic shotputter.  It didn't make me feel feminine or attractive being this shape. It was time for me to do something positive.

With the support of #Mumentum and the wonderful Sandra at Thinking Slimmer things have changed.  Last week I reported a 5 lb drop in weight.  Today I weighed myself and another 6lbs has gone from my frame...making an 11 lb weightloss in total!  It is quite drastic, but I haven't starved myself, I haven't gone without and I haven't suddenly started doing tonnes of exercise.  All I have done is listen to my Slimpods which have caused me to eat less and eat better. Simples!

Before this fortnight I'd constantly graze.  The word grazing always makes me think of a sheep nibbling at greenery...this however is not how I graze!  My grazing involved constantly snacking on chocolate, cheese, crisps, bread, cake, biscuits and generally anything I could find in my treat cupboard.  I used to justify it by saying that my mouth was bored!!  I used to think that one more wouldn't make a difference.  Then I'd eat a huge meal in the evening (then finish off the left overs from the kids' plates) and have four slices of toast and butter and jam for supper.  God, I feel ashamed actually writing this...but I feel that it is part of my healing to get these skeletons out of my closet once and for all.

Since using the 'Lose 2 Jean Sizes Slimpod' alongside the 'Chocoholic Cure' I have experienced massive changes in my eating habits.  I do not eat between meals and my portions have halved.  The strangest thing is that I have gone off chocolate bars which is unheard of.  I don't even spare them a thought anymore.  I used to eat a 200g bar of Cadbury's Wholenut in one sitting...now I have nothing.  I have breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I even have a little bowl of ice cream or a lolly for pudding, so I'm not being deprived of goodies.  I simply don't want to eat more than that.  Result.

Today, I felt confident enough to brave the clothes shops again and bought myself new skinny jeans, some tops, underwear and a dress.  It was empowering to be able to do so without thinking that there wasn't any point to me having new clothes.  I'm going to bag up all my size 16 clothes and give them to a charity shop so there is no going back. It will be so cathartic!!

I know this weight loss will slow down soon because it can't keep dropping off at this rate.  I may have to start exercising, heaven forbid!!  But the main reason for this is to get some control back, provide a positive role model to my three daughters and make them proud of me.  It's not about vanity or trying to aspire to some impossible media hyped image of a stick thin celebrity.  It isn't about me conforming to some stereotype of a self-hating woman trying to change through self-loathing and deprivation.  It is simply about doing what is right for me.  Showing my kids that gluttony is not acceptable, and is not healthy either physically or mentally.  It is about getting healthy and enjoying life.

I'll leave you with a photo of me taken today.  I'm well on my way to being the person I want to be both inside and out.  Thank you to everyone who is helping me to make it happen!

*Thought I'd better add that I am not on commission to Thinking Slimmer hehe!!  I just love it this much!!*

Mumentum...My Journey to Being Slimmer

It's been just a week since I hooked up with Liska and the other #Mumentum girls.  I'm already 5 lbs lighter, more positive and my attitude to food has changed.

I've restarted my Thinking Slimmer Slimpods, listening to the 10 minute recordings at bedtime every night.  It has really helped me.  I am listening to the yet to be released "Lose Two Jean Sizes" slimpod, along with the "Chocoholic Cure".  They help by reprogramming the unconscious part of your mind to see food as a fuel that is there to be burned.  It makes you aware of the feeling of fullness and makes you open to change habits of a lifetime.  It encourages you to do 'anything more than nothing' to achieve your goal everyday and visualise the person you want to be.  The person you CAN be!

It really is incredible that after just a few days I am no longer craving treats or binging.  It's easy to say no to food or just have a little taste of things and then stop.  I genuinely don't feel like I'm being deprived of the things I used to want, because the desire for them has gone.

So far so good!!  But I do believe that the support of you #Mumentum ladies is really instrumental in the effectiveness of my ability to allow myself to succeed this time.  I feel that I'm not alone, that other people care and are rooting for me, like I'm rooting for them!  Motivational chats on Twitter and comments on blog posts have raised my spirits immensely and I'm so grateful for the support and friendships that are developing online.  Everyone has different motives for their weightloss or fitness goals.  Everyone is taking a different approach...but we all want the same thing.  To get back the control and be as healthy as we can be for our families.

I'll be thrilled to meet up with some of our group at Cybermummy.  And I really hope that we get the opportunity to attend an event together as the #Mumentum Ladies!  We could get T-Shirts and everything!!  Poster girls for fabulous Mummies working on reducing their tummies together!

Liska's group is snowballing as other people on Twitter see the hashtag and realise what a great group it is.  I'm so glad that I joined in and proud to play a part in it!  This is exactly what social media should be about...enabling like-minded people to link up and connect.

My one concern is that my lack of exercise will eventually call a halt to my weightloss.  I've done all kinds of things in the past. Yoga, pilates, holistic toning and going to the gym.  In every one of these attempts I've put my back out.  I couldn't walk for 3 days following one Pilates class!  I was diagnosed with scoliosis after the birth of baby number 3.  I had a year of restricted movement and pain following Ella's birth.  There is definitely something amiss in my spine.  Instead I will try to walk the school run more often and do activities with the family that gets my blood pumping. Fingers crossed it will be enough.

I start week 2 with a positive outlook and I can really see where I want to be.  Using Cybermummy as the first marker enables me to set a date for my first target.  I'm not entering into any mass hysteria regarding the Cybermummy event as some people have suggested to other people's attempts to lose weight etc.  But it is an event that is punctuating my year and therefore provides an opportunity to lose a bit of weight and is a focus for my efforts.  Feeling like I'm doing well is a huge confidence boost.  There is no harm in that whatsoever!!

Possibly the Bravest Post I've Done...Momentum!

I've decided that the only way I'm going to get motivated enough to really stick at the latest in a long line of failed diet attempts is to open up to everyone.  I want to share what I see when I look in the mirror.  I want to express the feeling of vulnerability and the desire to change.  I want to write a post that inspires me to do it for the long haul.

Since having Freddy I've lost over 3 stone, although the last stone has gone back on and off over the last 12 months.  It is that stone which is my problem.  It is that stone that I want to shake off and put behind me for good.  It is that stone that reminds me that I am weak, that I am undisciplined with my diet and that I am a failure.  It is that stone which terrifies me, taunts me and mocks my attempts.  But it is also the stone that I hide behind.  The one that almost comforts me, as it strips away any expectations.  It enables my gluttony.  It is my feeder.  It tells me "What difference does it make what you eat...you're fat anyway?"  It manipulates, lies and smirks as I eat another piece of cake or two.

For every part of me that wants to change, there is an equal part that fears that change.  It is ridiculous.  But it is that that sabotages my attempts.  Something buried deep inside that doesn't want to give up the greed and the comfort of limitless food.  It holds on tight.  I wish I could unearth why.

When I was younger I was thin.  My eating disorders, my rebellion and my control, maintained a skinny figure.  But I wasn't happy.  I look at photos of me with that body...5ft 11" and sylph-like...and wonder why I wasn't ecstatically happy, confident and in control.  Instead I was a depressed self harmer with no self-esteem who found myself single and pregnant at 18.  We are promised by the media and told by the multi-million dollar diet industry that slim equals happy.  We are told that the secret to happiness is to shed those last few pounds.  We are shown images of smiling women, spinning round in floaty dresses and posing next to giant jeans that they used to wear.  If only life was that simple.

As a Teenager

Pregnancy and the birth of my son turned my life around and put me on the path to where I am now.  My life has become a happy place where I feel content, safe and secure.  My adoring husband is supportive, complimentary, passionate and he loves me regardless of what size I am.  And over the years that we have been together, I have been many sizes!

Yet still this elusive weight related utopia beckons to me.  I want it, I really do.  These pictures show why.

Christmas 2009, and I'm stuffing in Ferrero Rochers in a "How Many Can You Eat In One Minute" contest with my family. I do well in these gluttony based competitions...funny that!

Christmas 2009

My sister got married in February of the following year.  I lost nearly 2 stone in 2 months.  I bought an outfit and some new wardrobe staples in size 16.  Within a few weeks, the new wardrobe I bought was too big.  Unworn size 16 jeggings still languish in my wardrobe.

February 2010

I have yo-yoed since then...stone on, stone off, but I am wearing size 14 clothes now.  The jeans are actually way too big and I always end up looking like a builder...not a good look.  I got brave and bought myself some size 12 jeans for Cybermummy and they fit well.  But they do unnerve me a little...since buying them I've been back to my old binging.  I've put on 5 lbs!

May 2011

I've just embarked on a Thinking Slimmer Slimpod Trial to "Lose 2 Jean Sizes" (available in Autumn) alongside a "Chocoholic Cure" .  The hypnosis MP3's have worked for me before, until my subconscious came along and sabotaged my success.  I had a phone call with Sandra (the founder of Thinking Slimmer) and discussed my 'problem' at length and this latest combination of Slimpods could help me on my way.  I am feeling more empowered.  My other weapon is my Diet Plate which helps immensely with portion control.  It is an excellent tool for making sure you don't over eat at meal times.  I'm also priveleged to be friends with some lovely ladies on Twitter including the lovely Liska who have the MomemTum group.  Support from other women sharing the same experiences is very powerful and motivating.

I'll leave you with the physical embodiment of the extra stone.  My belly.  Five pregnancies and an adulthood of yo-yo diets have resulted in something resembling over handled dough.  It's not attractive and it hangs over my waistband when I sit down.  I want it gone.  Now I've shown everyone what lurks beneath the baggy jumpers...I have a duty to get rid of it.

What lurks beneath!

Cybermummy is so close now!  I want to feel full of confidence as I walk in!  I want to look nice.  I don't want to hide beneath a baggy top.  I was tweeting last night about what to wear...I really want a gorgeous top.  But I don't even know what a gorgeous top would look like.  I hate clothes shopping.  I wish I had a Gok Wan to give me a hand!!  First things first though....diet starts NOW!!!!!

Overcoming My Demons

I've written numerous times about my battle with my eating. Of all the seven sins, gluttony would be my biggest crime. However, I can go on a diet and be completely filled with will power and lose a lot of weight quickly.  Then, as if something triggers a switch in my brain, I'll sabotage my efforts with a ridiculous binge where I consume a huge amount of food I neither need or want.  It is as if I don't want my efforts to succeed on some subconscious level.

I've tried looking into why I do this.  Why does my sub-conscious not want me to succeed?  What is it I'm afraid of?

It's not as if I'm hugely fat or anything.  I'm a size12-14...although I think of myself as a 16-18 in my head.  The amount of jeans I have that hang of my bum is ridiculous, but I'm afraid of buying clothes in smaller sizes. It's like they come with an expectation.  I do weigh a lot.  My BMI tells me I'm overweight...bordering on the obese, even at 5ft 11" tall.  It makes me think I must carry some thick, dense, yellow fat wrapped around my internal organs, weighing the extra 2 stone I carry.

I have a husband who seriously adores me and tells me I am beautiful everyday.  I don't accept the compliment and make a joke about him being delusional.  Blinded by his love!  I never really thought much about this ritual.  Recently however, my 15 year old daughter, riddled with teenage self-consciousness was hiding her gorgeous face behind her fringe. I told her she should be showing herself off because she is so lovely..."You can talk!" she replied.  She went on to say how I'm always down on what I look like, how I delete photos of me because I "look gross", how I rebuke Ian's compliments.  The weight of the guilt was immense.  How can I expect my own children to love themselves unconditionally when I am my own harshest critic?  I am teaching them by example to practice self-loathing.  That is reprehensible.  I want my children to know how special, unique and beautiful they are...but to make them believe that I need to lead by example.

As a child food came with mixed messages.  To my mum, who I love immensely,  food was love.  Everyday after school I was given a big bar of chocolate, a bag of crisps and a buttered bun bought from the tea lady at her work.  Dinners were piled high and an empty plate was received with praise.  Leaving food was not an option.  Seconds made Mum proud. Thankfully I was a skinny child who never put weight on.  The eating habits forged in my childhood, where excess was met with pride and love, have stuck.  Food represents a form of parental approval.  Has this somehow lodged itself in my brain, to the point that dieting is somehow going against the lessons learned as a child desperate to be loved?

As a teenager a great deal of my rebellion was food related.  I had an eating disorder...not quite as extreme as anorexia or bulimia, but equally troubling.  I would not want food in my mouth.  The thought repulsed me.  I'd hide my food and bin it. It was about power and control.  Then I'd binge, consuming a whole loaf of bread in one go.  It was an unhealthy way of eating both physically and mentally.  This phase didn't last very long but I think it still holds some clues as to my current difficulties in my relationship with food.

As an adult I do enjoy my food.  I love being vegetarian and take great strides in ensuring we have a healthy and varied diet.  I like to cook our favourite meals and enjoy sharing these dishes with my children.  I hope I am nurturing a good relationship with food in them.  This is why it puzzles me so much when I have a compulsion to stuff my face with food for no real reason.  I don't want the food, I'm not hungry and I don't even like some of the food that passes my lips...yet I still do it.  I know it undoes any good work I've done on my dieting, but I still do it.  As the third bar of chocolate passes my lips, I'm looking in the cupboards to find what I can consume next.

I hope to be able to unlock this one last demon from my past.  I hope to consolidate all the good eating habits I have established and be able to eat well without having this compulsion to binge.  Without sabotaging all the good I have done.

I never ever feel full.  I have a massive capacity for food.  I never understand when my husband says he is fit to burst and couldn't eat another mouthful. I can just keep going and have never reached the point where I feel sick.  In a way I'm lucky...I could be as big as one of those immobile supersize women on those C4 documentaries.  So I know I have control 95% of the time.

My weight fluctuates quite dramatically.  I can go up and down by a stone within a couple of weeks.  What I really want to do is lose the stone and keep it off.  I want to maintain a healthy weight that isn't yo-yoing and putting undue stress on my body.  I want to set a good example to my children and teach them to love themselves and look after themselves...by example.

Writing this down has helped me get my head around my problem.  I have solutions in my hand thanks to Thinking Slimmer (this is in no way a sponsored post, but the company has been so supportive to me and I am hugely grateful to them).  If I can get a grip of these issues my life will be so much better.  I know the eating is tied in with my depression, my childhood and my self-esteem. Saying that, I'm in the best place mentally that I have been in for years.  If I can conquer this problem everything else will fall into place...it is my main weakness and I hate being so pathetic about something as fundamental as eating.

I do want to have a body I'm proud of.  I want to be fit and healthy especially as I have a toddler to take care of in my 40's!  I want to have control.  I need to overcome my demons!