After I posted it, something happened. It was as if my black cloud lifted and the darkness that had been totally enveloping me dissolved away into a greyish half light (much easier to cope with than the treacle that I'd been trying to swim in!) I cooked a meal for the first time in ages...a roast dinner with a mushroom bake. I also made Freddy the birthday cake I hadn't been motivated enough to do last week. I made a chocolate fudge butterfly (or butterbye as Fred calls them...he actually calls every insect a Butterbye. What a beautiful way to observe the world, seeing dirty great blue bottles in the same way as a beautiful Red Admiral!)
I enjoyed everything I'd made and didn't feel an ounce of guilt eating my baby boy's birthday cake. Tonight I made a spinach and mushroom pie and it was pretty damn good! I found joy in food again.
The process of writing about my feelings rather than internalising them is so liberating. Putting them in some sort of order and making them physical is so cathartic. Sending them out into the ether is so symbolic. It made such sense once I started to think about how I was feeling. My blog is like my therapy. I don't think I could ever explain myself to another person. I adopt the "I'm fine!" approach to questioning. It's harder to vocalise your problems into spoken words. I prefer the more logical, less emotive medium of the written word. Thoughts flow out and the unconscious part of my psyche finds it voice.
This has just reminded me why I blog. Exorcising demons that would otherwise have no outlet for release is such a powerful benefit of me having my little piece of cyberspace to myself. It allows me to assess objectively how I'm feeling and look at myself as if I were on the outside looking in. At my lowest I feel like a part of me is slipping away, tethered only by a gossamer thread which could be be severed at any moment. Sometimes I worry that if it does stretch too far away from me I won't ever get it back and I'll be stuck in my darkness with a part of me lost forever. Thankfully I've managed to reel myself back in every time and the relief is palpable when the light starts to shine inside me again.
I had some amazing comments from people I have come to regard as friends. The support is truly wonderful and uplifting. I thank each and every person who cares. It is another benefit of this community. Accepting face to face sympathy is something I find quite uncomfortable, but reading a thoughtful comment is heart warming.
So next time the ugly subject of stats, rankings, pageviews or Klout scores raises its head, I will remember what really matters. It's the words that count. It's the freedom, the space and the liberating nature of blogging that motivates me. This is my internet home and I'm happy to be here.
