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Monday, 18 July 2011

Mumentum Update

I didn't link up to Mumentum last week, because I didn't really have much to report.  I was also quite pre-occupied with Fred's birthday preparations.

I'm still listening to my Slimpods and am not experiencing any extreme greed related behaviour.  I'm not weighing myself at all and I'm not stressing about my weight loss.

I am however starting to see a real downturn in my mood.  I'm feeling really low.  I used to enjoy my weekly food shop, planning menus as I perused the aisles.  I used to love cooking and enjoyed making good wholesome veggie dinners for my family.  But it's like I just can't be bothered with food anymore.  Shopping and cooking have lost all their joy.  I didn't even bake a birthday cake for Freddy...thank goodness Nana brought round a jelly tot covered sponge cake for him as a surprise!

I feel really detached from the pleasure of eating.  As a real self-confessed foodie, this feels very wrong.  I just can't be bothered with it all.  Poor Ian is doing most of the cooking because I can't find the motivation.  I happily eat it...but the joy surrounding the preparation and the interest I have in food has waned.

Being a size 12-14 is nice and I feel slimmer, but my passion has been lost along with the pounds.  At first it was exciting to feel that my appetite was suppressed but the  knock on effect has deadened a part of my personality.  I don't want to go back to my disgusting old ways and I'm genuinely delighted that I am cured of my obsessive, self destructive gluttony.  But something isn't right with me.

I know I have a history of depression and this could just all be a part of life's great plan to periodically test my mental state...and whereas I'd usually drown out the negative thoughts with cake, I don't have the compulsion to comfort eat.  That in itself is a good thing, but also means I don't have the tools to soothe away the demons with calories and cream!

My favourite jeans are all too big and I'm down to the last hole on my belt.  Instead of embracing this and buying new clothes, I'm slobbing around in my baggy, old gear and feeling dowdy. The skin on my belly is not a pretty sight.  No longer padded by fat, its an unattractive apron and a reminder of my past problems.

I don't know why I'm not celebrating and striving for more dieting success.  I still could do with shedding another stone, but I feel like I'm sinking and losing a part of myself along with the fat.  Losing weight isn't a cure all for deeper issues, and obviously my self-esteem hangs in a fragile balance.  Maybe it's just a phase but I really wish my joie de vivre and my zest for life, food and fun would return.

I need a make-over...but wouldn't know where to start!

I'm hoping my three day adventure in London will resurrect something inside me that has quite frankly curled up and died.

I didn't intend for this to be a depressing post...sorry!!  It kind of wrote itself and who am I to deny a voice to my unconscious mind!!

I will cheer up, I will snap out of it and I will feel better about myself again soon.  Then I can take joy in my success and stop making everybody miserable with my whining!

12 comments:

  1. Thanks for being so honest. I am in a down mood too and can relate... Would be nice to meet u in London xx

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  2. notyetayummymummy18 July 2011 at 15:59

    I think this is the thing, often weight and food related problems are two different entities. When I got skinny for my wedding I thought I would feel amazing but never did. I soon realised it was not about my jean size. I think many people will be able to relate to this post and will be a great source of comfort to others who feel the same but maybe hadn't quite realised why. Sending you a little hug x

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  3. Sorry you're having such a hard time, I hope you feel better soon. :) - this is me sending love and support.

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  4. I would have loved to have met you but the itinerary is pretty packed. Meals and evening entertainment are organised by the magazine and we are chauffeured from venue to venue. Working all day Thursday at the magazine and lunching with the editor. Guided tour of London before catching train home on Friday. However...I might be in London on August 13th for the day for a London Zoo sleepover with my 8 year old. Might be good to meet up then???

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  5. No Discernible Talent18 July 2011 at 18:56

    Aww Wendy I couldn't not comment, you sound so sad. I love food too and as a self confessed foodie like yourself I get where you're coming from. I have to say that I have definitely seen a change in my eating habits in that I'm not eating junk but my love of food is still there. I think I'd feel like you if it wasn't. I don't know what to suggest really - maybe give it another week or so and see how you feel? Lay off the Slimpod for a while? You have done so well and were sounding so upbeat with your weight loss initially. I hope you are feeling better about things soon xx

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  6. Oh Wendy, you do sound down. You need to tackle the small things first so I recommend you do get out of your baggy clothes and into some new ones. Honestly wearing clothes that fit makes a huge difference to how you feel about yourself and will give you a bit of a lift. I cant imagine what it feels like to lose all interest in food but it must be really difficult and I do hope its just a phase for you. Sending you a virtual hug and hope you have a better week xx

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  7. ForestFlower2318 July 2011 at 21:44

    To lose all interest in food to the point of not even wanting to prepare it for your family is a side effect that hadn't even occurred to me! I do hope this is just a little dip and you will feel more uplifted very soon! Definitely time to treat yourself to a new outfit too! xx

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  8. Good for you to get it all out Wendy. So sorry to hear you are feeling like this, you are completely right losing weight is not a cure all. If you have used food as a crutch/ cure in the past it will be strange that it is not there when you feel low and of course you will feel things even more intensly as there is nothing soothing the pain. I really do understand this.

    Keep talking and getting it out. Remember that it is OK to feel low and to alow yourself to feel however you do and make sure you acknowledge your feelings. Have you tried some exercise as a way of dealing with the low feelings, the endorphins released should really help?

    I will be praying for you.

    Mich x

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  9. Ooooh sounds like a plan :-)
    xx

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  10. It is important you share both good and bad sides to anything to get a balanced opinion and I admire you for doing just that xx

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  11. I am genuinely sorry to hear of the problems you are experiencing. I guess, as with most things, you have your ups and your downs. I do hope that the forthcoming journey you are about to experience will lift you and make you
    feel better. You have certainly lost a lot of weight which is what you wanted
    and I really believe things will improve and your appetite will sort itself out.

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  12. You will get your mo jo back hun but it is one of those things that no matter what people say or do it is only you that will find the solution. I think many of us have been there and all I can say is I really hope you are feeling better about yourself soon. Hang in there think of all the fantastic work you have done. Go have some retail therapy treat yourself!!

    Sending you a hug hun x

    Dianne x

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