Why I Won't Be At Cybher or Britmums This YearRight now, with all the chat regarding Cybher, I'm kicking myself a bit that I didn't try to find myself a sponsor. I really am way too shy for my own good, with a god awful fear of rejection. Although outwardly I possibly seem quite confident, when it comes to the crunch I am still that little girl who'd go to the Playcentre Disco on a Friday night and stand in the corner all on my own. I desperately wanted to join in and dance with all the other kids, but would be paralysed with fear. So I'd stand there fiddling with my hair and try not to let the tears that threatened to fall escape from my eyes.
Shyness really is incapacitating. I sometimes wish I could step back into my young self with my adult mind (Butterfly Effect style...but without the repercussions!) and give myself the shove I needed to join in, make people laugh and enjoy my childhood. I'd love to see how differently things would have been had I not held myself back. I never really reached my full potential in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I seriously wouldn't change a thing because where I am now is exactly where I'm meant to be, but I do wonder if there is some alternate reality where I achieved the things that I could have.
All that aside, the bottom line is that when it comes to the crunch, my inner child still rears her little head and prevents me from really going for anything. She still sabotages much of what I do. She makes me feel like I'm not worthy of being considered important enough for someone to want to invest in. It is this part of me that makes me never go after things that I want. I am not pro-active. I don't create my own opportunities. I wait for things to come to me. When opportunities do arrive I grasp them with both hands and perform to the best of my ability, but I don't monopolize on these opportunities. I don't follow up things or build relationships or make contacts. I am rubbish at all that! I can't self-promote...hell, I hardly believe in myself most of the time!
This lack of putting myself out there means that I won't be attending either Cybher or Britmums Live this year. At the time, I wasn't that worried about it. But now I feel the pangs of regrets as I see the statuses, comments and Tweets appearing in my timelines. I will miss meeting up with many of the bloggy folk that I now regard as friends. I will miss learning new things. I really want to get up to speed on the whole SEO malarkey and want to discover new ways of making my blog work for me. I need some inspiration right now, but don't think I'm going to find it sat here in my living room, just me and my laptop.
OK, whinge over. It's my fault. Lessons learned and all that! I'd like to think I'll be more pro-active next time...but chances are, I'll be just as backward at coming forward next time. I'm now off to appease my Inner Child with some cake and hope that she will hush her whispers and let me feel good about things again soon!