The Return of the Tooth Fairy

It's been quite a while since the tooth fairy paid a visit to our house. So when Freddy's first wobbly tooth happened, I felt a real pang of nostalgia, knowing that we were about to revisit this phase of childhood with our youngest child.

Before it fell out, I told him the story of the tooth fairy, who spends the nights seeking out the cleanest, whitest, best brushed, pearliest lost teeth from little boys and girls, so she can take them back to Fairy Land to help build their beautiful, shining, white castles. The prospect of her leaving a gold coin in return, definitely got him very interested!  But Freddy, being Freddy, was quite anxious about the actual mechanics of losing a tooth - Would it hurt? Would he look weird? Could he eat? So, unlike his siblings, he didn't go for the 'ripping it out' technique, instead he waited patiently for nature to take its course. It was wobbling around in his gum for over four weeks.

Then last night it happened. The wobbly tooth fell out, cleanly and painlessly. No drama!

Freddy put the tooth into the little pewter tooth fairy pot that has been used in the past by his siblings, and put it by his bed. I have never seen him quite so thrilled about anything in a long time. Even the excitement of Santa's visit last month was not as great as the prospect of a castle-building fairy bearing cash visiting our home.

I think it was 4 am this morning when Freddy crept into our bed. By half past he was asking if we could go check the pot to see if his tooth had been exchanged for a coin. I managed to shush him back to sleep, but within minutes he was asking again. This continued off and on and off and on until about 6 am, when I finally gave up and told him to go and take a look. The discovery of a pound coin in place of his tooth was a cause for true joy. Not even the delivery of his Christmas stocking elicited such an excited response.

So my little boy has taken another step along the path of growing up and I get to enjoy doing it all again.  As he is my youngest and my last child, I intend to savour every single moment of every single stage and relive the magic of childhood as he experiences it all for the first time.

University envy - who could I have been?

Ella is having the absolute time of her life at university.  She lives in a really cool, modern 12 bedroom townhouse with an assortment of interesting and characterful housemates.  She is studying a subject she loves; enjoying the excitement of city life and has already found her soulmate (who she met whilst he was wearing a gold morphsuit!)  I have seen my little girl grow in confidence and become a self sufficient young woman.  She cooks herself falafel, does laundry and bakes cookies. Most importantly to me in all this is the fact that she is the happiest she has ever been in her entire life.  That is the very thing I have always wanted for my children, to be happy.

When I was eighteen and taking my A'Levels I was living with my unemployed boyfriend and working in the Holiday Inn at Heathrow Airport until 3 am to pay the bills. Somehow I managed to get the grades I needed to take up my place at university to study Sociology and Psycholgy.  I had my future right there in my hands, but at the eleventh hour, gave up my place to stay with my utterly unambitious boyfriend.  I got myself a job in the quality control department at Horlicks, as a laboratory assistant. Within a year I had split up with my boyfriend and started to think about the possibility of giving up my job and taking up a place at university and starting a new life for myself after all.  Then I discovered I was pregnant and my dreams of being a student were shelved forever.

Visiting Ella at the weekend and sitting at the big table in the communal living room of her student accommodation, surrounded by her housemates, I was overwhelmed with just how young they were and how much of their future lay ahead of them.  So much potential!  With their fabulous accommodation, exciting social life and endless opportunities for personal development, I couldn't help but wonder what I had missed out on as an 18 year old. This made me reflect on just how old I was getting and how many opportunities I had passed up.

I could just imagine myself as a student back in the day.  Maybe the experience would have allowed me to reach my potential. At school, it was assumed I would be a high flier one day.  I was bright with the sort of memory that made revision easy.  I loved essay writing and relished the challenge of exams.  Unfortunately, I juggled the blessing of my intelligence with the curse of depression, borderline anorexia and crippling self doubt.  I made some pretty bad decisions and really didn't live up to my promise at all.

I have written a million times that I don't have a single regret, because I wouldn't swap my husband and children for the whole world, but there is a part of me that wonders whether in an alternate universe there is a whole other version of myself.  The 'me' that didn't get involved with the low life that I thought I loved enough to throw away my chance of going to university, growing up and finding myself.  The 'me' that didn't get pregnant by said low-life in some subconscious hope that it'd make our failing relationship work.  The 'me' that met new people and became an interesting, well rounded person in my own right.  The 'me' that graduated, got a good job, travelled and made a success of myself. The 'me' that finally met a man and settled down in a lovely home and got married before bringing children into the world.  The 'me' who managed to juggle a successful career with family life and who had a wide circle of like-minded friends.  The 'me' with expensive designer clothes, manicured nails and perfectly dyed and styled hair. The 'me' who would think that someone myself was beneath her.

I may not have reached my full potential and I may not have had my chance to be a student in a funky house with cool flatmates, but I have my grown-up children who been given the opportunities I wasted. They have the world at their feet and if I can enjoy their successes and adventures vicariously through them, knowing I have helped to make it happen, then I can be proud and happy with the 'me' that I have become.  I honestly wouldn't swap this underachieving 'me' for anything!

How becoming a mother shaped my life - Happy Birthday Joe x

My eldest child Joe is 26 years old today.  The little boy I raised is now a man.  A man that I am proud to call my son.

When I gave birth to Joe, I was little more than a child myself.  A teenager with no direction, floundering through life making a series of mistakes and bad judgments.  But having Joe gave me the incentive and the strength I needed to grow up and to heal myself, in order to become someone worthy of being his mother. He made me whole for the first time, giving me purpose and making me want more for myself and for him.  That tiny 7 lb 1 oz baby saved me.

Over the years my son has taught me many things about myself, about life and about parenthood.  We didn't always have it easy, but together we muddled through as best we knew how.  Sometimes I look back and wish that Joe could have enjoyed the charmed existence that his little brother Freddy has now. But the journey we took back then has made us the people we are today.  And who we are today has been shaped by everything we experienced together.

I do have regrets about my past, but I wouldn't change a single thing, because anything done differently would have altered the path that I ultimately took.  The path that has lead me to who and what I am today.  The path that has blessed me with five incredible children along with the richness they have brought into my world.  The path that gave my children the most amazing father they could have ever wished for.  The path that has given them a mother who is hopefully, in their eyes, worthy of that title. The path that has lead my son Joe to become an amazing man with his own beautiful family, a promising career and a sense of humour that never ceases to make me smile.

Joe is a man I am proud to call my son.  The father of my first born grandchild.  Big brother to the girls and Freddy. A man who I have watched grow as a person, learning from his mistakes and evolving into a more responsible, hard working, loving, hilariously funny, unique human being with a passion for cars, computer gaming, playing football and for providing for his family.

Joe, I love you.

Happy birthday son xxx

Happy 12th Birthday Kizzy

"Kezia, I love you for the gorgeous little girl that you were, for the wonderful young woman you are now and for the precious daughter you will always be."

Happy Birthday to my beautiful girl  xxx

How my kids keep making me proud - a new job and starting university

Last weekend, we packed up the car and drove to Manchester, the city that Ella will be calling home for the next three years.  With a car laden with bags of clothes, shoes, kitchen equipment and of course Ella's guitar, we headed up the M6 to our destination.  We were all a bit unsure about how the day would pan out and Freddy had been quite over emotional about losing his sister and having his family change.  In fact, we had seen some epic meltdowns over the smallest things, which is not like him at all.  But we tried to keep things light and have fun, stopping for some breakfast at the services and having an in car picnic en route!

We arrived in good time and found the campus. The brand new university building with its adjoining townhouse accommodation was an impressive sight. Although all the building work and landscaping was not completely finished, and although there had been some issues over allocating housing to students because of this, seeing the place put our minds at rest.  Once it is completely finished the place will be quite spectacular!

Ella was lucky enough to get her choice of accommodation in a lovely townhouse.  We were impressed that the university had a team of helpers on hand to advise arriving students on what to do, plus there were porters to help transport the loads of luggage from the car to her door.  Fantastic service!

The accommodation itself was lovely.  Ella has a fully furnished room with a desk, wardrobe, shelving, drawers and a large 3/4 bed.  She shares a shower room and toilet with the room next door and shares a huge kitchen/living area with her eleven flatmates.  With three full sized fridge freezers, two full size fitted ovens, two microwaves, two full sink units, toasters, kettles and a load of storage space, there is plenty of room for everyone to cook.  The living space has sofas, a big, wall mounted TV and a massive round table and seating.  It is more like a holiday home than student digs.

Megan came across to give us a hand moving Ella in, as she has made Manchester her home after graduating.  As ever it was lovely seeing her and catching up on all her news.  Megan took a career break earlier this year to try her hand in the world of film and TV.  In six months she had worked on two shorts (one starring some bloke off of Corrie, which made my mum' day), one feature film starring John Hurt (in which both Megan and Ella had roles as extras) and a CBBC series.  It was a real adventure for her, but the 14 hour days, extreme pressure and the hierarchy of the industry made her realise that, although a great experience, it wouldn't cut it as a career choice for her.  So Megan set about returning to the corporate world and quickly was approached by the biggest digital marketing agency in the UK who offered her a job there and then.  She starts in October!  I'm so very proud of her.

Once we had moved Ella's stuff into the townhouse, we took the 10 minute walk to the main university complex and enjoyed a vegan lunch at Falafel, a delicious and healthy fast food outlet serving freshly cooked falafel in a pitta wrap with salad, hummus, tahini and chilli sauce.  One of the perks of city life is the choice of fabulous world food on your doorstep!  While Ian and Freddy had a play in the park next to the university, my girls and I went for a wander to check out the student union and pick up Ella's Fresher's wristband and help her find her bearings in her new hometown.

A quick spot of shopping at the huge Asda, which is a short walk from Ella's campus, and we had done everything we had to do.  I didn't plan how or when we would leave, nor did I want to think about it in case I cried and upset Ella, but it actually ended up so easy.  When we got back to Ella's house, her flatmates were chatting and getting to know each other and it was the most natural thing in the world for Ella to join in their conversation.  Gone was my timid little girl and in her place was a confident young woman, eager to start this new chapter in her life.  My heart swelled with love and pride as we said our good-byes.  It was like she belonged there and it would be the making of her. Yes, I shed a tear, but not because I was sad, but because I was so bloody proud and happy for my little girl being given this chance to shine.

As we drove away from Manchester, with my slightly smaller family, Freddy started talking about why he had been so upset over the last couple of days before Ella left.  He told us that he hadn't understood what university was.  He thought Ella was going to "another country with glowing floors and shiny walls" and that he wouldn't be able to see her.  However, he said that after seeing where she was living he now knew that it was "just normal" and that Ella would be OK.  In that instant, my calm, loving, well behaved little boy returned and all was good with the world once again.

Now, a few days since Ella left home, I've talked everyday by either phone, text or Skype to both of my girls and I've been enjoying Facebook updates and photographs of Ella's student antics.  She has embraced student life and has some wonderful flatmates.  There have been big nights out and impromptu house parties.  She is making the most of this opportunity and I could not be more proud! Having my third chick fly the nest has not left me bereft at all. My heart isn't emptier it's fuller and bursting with love for them all. My life feels even richer now, knowing I have another grown up child, doing me proud and making their mark. This is what being a mum is all about, raising kids to become confident, happy and fulfilled adults, and right now I am feeling pretty damn content about my life, watching my three big kids forge their own paths in the big wide world.

Saying Goodbye to Ella - Finding My New Normal

When I think back to when Ella was a baby, I conjure up wonderful images of a delicate, golden haired child with an open and engaging smile that radiated beauty and warmth, lighting up any room.  Now she is 18, her smile still has the same effect.  Ella shines with a glow that quite literally lights up our lives. 

Ella was born at a time when I was still reeling from the devastation of losing my eldest sister.  Before she died, I told her that I was pregnant and that my baby girl would have her name as her middle name.  I'm so glad she knew, even though she never got to meet her niece.  It was so hard knowing that I had created a new life as my sister's life was ebbing away, but carrying a new baby brought me some comfort and I felt that a part of my sister, some of her spark, had become a part of my unborn child.

This weekend, Ella will be leaving to go to university, and left behind will be an Ella shaped hole.  However, we will be filling that hole with our pride and love and giving Ella all our support and positive energy as she embarks on this big adventure.

She has grown up to be a most wonderful daughter and an amazing friend to me and to her siblings.  She is such a calming influence on everyone and she possesses such natural empathy that she knows exactly what to do and say in any situation.  Her little brother Freddy and sister Kizzy adore her and are going to miss their big sister dreadfully. I have never seen siblings as close and the bond shared between them is something very special and so precious.

Ella will be studying Criminology and Psychology in Manchester, the city that my eldest daughter Megan has made her home.  It's such a comfort for me to know that my girls will be near each other and there for each other. As a family, we love Manchester and fully intend to make many visits to see both of our grown-up girls. 

As Ella forges her path into the big wide world, I will have to become accustomed to a whole new normal. We've enjoyed some wonderful quality time together these last few weeks, shopping, lunching and watching trashy films before doing the afternoon school run together.  It's been lovely for me to have her around.  She is great company.

  Ella is my third child to fly the nest and I will be left with just two of my little chicks living at home. I'm sure the house will feel disproportionately quieter and emptier without Ella in it.  I'll miss the sound of her singing and  playing the guitar (thank goodness for her YouTube channel) and I'll miss spending the evenings watching and discussing our favourite TV shows together. (Although we do have some Skype plans in place for the season finales of our favourite shows!)   However, knowing that Ella will be making a brand new life for herself is just so exciting.  I want her to grow her wings and fly out into the world of opportunities and fulfill her potential. I know how much fun and how many adventures lie in store for her. It's just that I will miss her...that's all.

I'm sure it will take me longer to adapt to my new normal than it takes Ella to adapt to student life, but I know that we all have so much to look forward to.  This is yet another step on our family journey and I couldn't be prouder of having such an intelligent, beautiful, loving and talented daughter.

"Good luck Ella.  You have done us all proud and we adore you.  Go rock Manchester!"

Ella is 18 Today

My beautiful baby girl looked up at me and beamed a huge smile at just 3 days old.  When the skeptical midwife saw her grinning, she said she had never seen a baby so young as responsive.  She admitted that she thought I was mistaking wind for genuine smiles, but was happy to eat her words. Ella really was a special little thing from the word go.

Over the years, my adorable little girl has become a wonderful young woman: talented, sensitive, intelligent, gifted, beautiful.  Life is not always easy for her, but she is strong.  A fighter.  She makes me proud everyday. She can light up any room from the moment she enters.

I am utterly honoured to be her mum.

Ella's YouTube channel.

           

A Quarter of a Century Ago

25 years ago on the 8th October 1988, I gave birth to my first child.  My son. Joe.
He changed my life, giving me direction, focus, hope for the future and love.  He was my salvation from a dark point in my life.

Everyday he has made me proud.

Now as a dad with a family of his own, I see the adult that he has become. A wonderful man with a strong work ethic. An amazing dad who is making a good life for himself with his fiancee Jade and their little boy Ted. (Who has an obsession with gaming computers and shiny cars!)

He still makes us laugh and will always be a big kid at heart.  He still has that cheeky glint in his eye and the naughty streak that he had as a little boy.  I wouldn't change that for the world. He is a brilliant big brother to his sisters (...and a bad influence on his little brother!)

I love my boy.  With all my heart.

Happy birthday son. xxx

For Kezia x

2nd October 2002.

My newborn baby girl.

My ray of sunshine.

My gift to the world.

My blessing.

Eleven years later.
My beautiful girl with empathy in bucket loads, a beautiful spirit and a heart of gold.
She makes me proud everyday.
A loving sibling, a wonderful auntie, a brilliant granddaughter and an adorable daughter.
Still my ray of sunshine.
Still my gift to the world.
Still my blessing.

Happy Birthday Kizzy xxx

Freddy is 4 Today

What is a Daughter?

A daughter is a little girl....

...who grows up...

...to be your best friend!

Happy 21st Birthday To My Beautiful Daughter And Best Friend Megan xxx

When You Can't Be There To Give A Mummy Hug...

As a parent, we want to be there when our children need us.  When Freddy falls over and hurts his knee, it's me who will dry his tears and give his sore leg a gentle rub.  If Kizzy falls out with a school friend I offer the advice that she wants to hear and let her know that regardless of what someone at school may think, I know that she is an amazing human being.  Teenagers' problems bring their own brand of parenting skills that are  needed to weather the storm, and Ella always knows that I am right here, fighting her corner and ready with a cuddle whenever she needs one.  I just want to see my babies happy, and I'll do whatever is in my power to try and make them smile again.

When your children grow up and become adults the dynamic of the relationship changes.  They leave home and start on their own paths through life.  I am no longer the first person there when my grown-up children have a problem. I may be at the end of the phone but I'm not physically there for them at that moment when they need me the most. 

Today, my 20 year old Megan had a crash on a dual carriageway in Central Manchester during rush hour on her way to work.  My poor shaken daughter was thankfully not hurt in the collision that left her car immobile in the middle of the road and smashed the front of the Volkswagen that she collided with.  I thank our lucky stars that she is safe.  We can get the car fixed.  We can pay for the damage on the other car.  As long as Megan is OK that is all that matters.

Ian went to her rescue and managed to get her car back to her house after doing a few repairs roadside, although there is a lot more work needed to get her car roadworthy again.  Meanwhile I sat at home wishing I was there to give her a cuddle and celebrate the fact that despite everything she was still in one piece.  I want to hug away the thoughts of what might have been and help her and me get through the ordeal together.  But with Freddy at nursery and the girls at school, I can't just drop everything to fly to the sides of my older children.  We have to schedule a visit which means that I am not always there when I am needed.  I can listen to my child crying down the telephone and not be able to wrap my arms around them.  It is not easy.

My son is just nine short weeks away from becoming a dad.  It pains me to think that I won't be at his side when his baby comes into the world.  I'll be at home waiting for the phone call which will be followed by a two hour drive to get to my son and my new grandchild.  I know what an emotional, stressful and tiring time is can be following the birth of a baby, but it won't be me there if Joe needs a shoulder to cry on or some advice at 3am.  

I think it is the 'letting go' part of parenting that is proving the hardest to deal with.  Mostly I am fine and I am so proud of Megan and Joe and their achievements, their ambitions and their ability to make lives of their own.  I enjoy them being independent and love being able to visit my grown-up children and feel a  part of their new lives.  No longer in control, no longer making decisions on their behalf, but there because we love each other and want to spend time together.  It is when I know they need their mum that it hurts me to not be there. 

Today on Facebook, a very wise and lovely friend said something in response to a conversation I was having regarding having grown-up children who need us when we can't be with them.  She has been through the same thing and understood exactly how I was feeling.  She said:

It is horrible, but at least they know we'd like nothing more than to give them that mummy hug xx

As long as my kids agree with that statement, I know I've done my job.

The Last Goodbye: Helping Your Child Cope with Leaving School

The saying ‘Time waits for no man’ could not be more relevant for a mother. One moment your little cherubs are bum-shuffling around and the next they are young adults ready to make their own way in the world. The massive leap between school and higher education is a key time for any teen; it is often defined as the step between being a child and becoming an adult. However just because your little girls and boys are growing up doesn’t mean they don’t need your support. (Even if they think they don’t need it)

These days’ schools play a far greater role than just education in your child’s life. For them the school system has been a safe bubble; its own micro-world with rules, boundaries and expectations which they have resided in for most of their young lives. For a teen to suddenly be brought out of this environment that they consider the norm into the ‘real world’ is an emotional and life changing event for any young person. Your children will be leaving behind friends they have known for years and often this will be the first kind of separation since their primary school years.

When considering how to help your children get through this major event is their life, there are several things you must remember:

·         Firstly, at this age everything is a big deal; how many times have your children acted like it was the end of the world when you ask them to wash up? This is normal, at this age of a child’s development their brain put high priority on things we might consider unimportant. Be patient and understanding, we were all young once and your teenage years are often the best in your life.

·         Secondly, just because they say they are ‘ok’ or ‘not bothered’ doesn’t mean they are. Teenage boys especially are notorious for bottling up their worries, however don’t pester them too much, this usually yields poor results. Try talking to them as adults, give them space and when they are ready to talk they usually will.

·         Finally don’t panic! I know it’s not an easy thing to do, especially when you think your children are stressed or worrying, but trust me it’ll only make it worse. What you have to remember is, even when they don’t seem to, your teens still look to you for security and guidance. Keeping a cool head will help convince your children that everything is ok and they are probably just overreacting.

One of the major reasons teenagers can get so stressed about leaving is that it is often seen as a negative experience and is sometimes overly dramatized by parents and teachers. The best way I have found to help the transition is to make it a positive experience by celebrating their time together with friends and all that has happened. Have a leaving party and let them say good bye to their friends in a positive manner rather than a sad goodbye. One great way to help them get through this time this is through things like leavers hoodies, which is a great memento to take away to uni with them. Organising an event with other parents is a great way to surprise your children and create a comradeship that lets them have a memento of their time at school and helps them remember that they are not alone in their new adventure.

Leaving school lets your children mature into unique individuals, it is a hard transition period and they will need lots of understanding and support. However remember that it is always an exciting and happy time of growth and new experiences. Remember to you your children will never stop being your little babies and most importantly deep down they feel the same.

Sam Fisher is writing on behalf of Banana Moon, a t-shirt printing company who specialises in personalised t-shirts, hoodies for school leavers, sports kits and workwear.

Little Girls Get Bigger Everyday

This weekend my childhood friend Allie and her daughter Jess came to stay.  It has been a long time since we have all been together, but time just melted away.  Jess is the same age as Ella.  Allie and I were pregnant at the same time and when we had our baby girls, they were always destined to be friends. There is just seven weeks between them. Over the years, distance has meant that we could not spend as much time together as we would have liked, but when we do meet up, the relationship between us all is simply fabulous!

The first picture shows Ella and Jess when they were aged just 3 months and 5 months old.  The second picture was taken at the weekend.  Our two baby girls are now two beautiful sixteen year olds with the world at their feet, and we are so proud of them!

Ella and Jess/ Jess and Ella

What My Son Wants vs What My Son Needs

Today, our eldest son Joe has been to buy a new car.  His current sporty Seat Leon is becoming a money pit that he can no longer afford so he has decided that it was time to get something a little newer, more economical and more sensible.  He has been in constant phone contact with his dad, who has been talking him down when the salesman was trying to get Joe to buy a brand new car that he could ill afford!

Thankfully he seems to have settled for a 58 plate Ford Focus which will slash the cost of his insurance, tax and petrol.  OK, we are going to have to stump up some cash as he has negative equity on his last car's finance and he'll be putting himself into a further five years debt, but it could have been so much worse!

Every since he was a baby, Joe has wanted things.  He'd be the child who'd see adverts on TV and would want whatever the latest must have thing was so badly, he'd be convinced that his life would be somehow substandard otherwise.  When he was about 3, Bucky O'Hare was the latest TV show and the toy action figures were all the rage.  I bought a Bucky (who was an astronaut rabbit thing!) for Joe.  He was content for 2 seconds.  He then needed a baddie to fight against.  Stupidly I complied.  Then he needed the trusty side-kick and the other crew members...then of course he needed the space ship and the vehicles.  I don't know whether because I was a teenage single parent that I felt the need to try to please my little boy.  Or maybe some kids are just like that?  I really don't know, but before I knew it, I'd bought the whole range and Joe got bored with them and no longer played with any of it!  The same happened with Power Rangers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Biker Mice from Mars.

Then came the advent of video games consoles. Then designer sports clothes.  The computers! By this time though I was older and wiser and was not about to indulge all his desires!  But he could still wrap me round his little finger and weaken my resolve sometimes.  None of the other kids have had the "I Want" gene, thank goodness!

So when Joe wanted to get a new car and started to mention Audi A4s, I felt a pang of panic, thinking of a salesman getting Joe to sign himself up to a huge debt added to by extortionate insurance!  So I was so relieved when I realised he wasn't serious.  His actual choice of car proves that the lessons me and his dad have drummed into him over the last few years have actually sunk in.  He is thinking sensibly about his future and his finances, rather than desperately wanting the car he desires at any cost.  That makes me very proud.  My son is no longer the boy who wants every Bucky O'Hare toy...he is at last a responsible adult!

#NaBloPoMo Day 12