University envy - who could I have been?

Ella is having the absolute time of her life at university.  She lives in a really cool, modern 12 bedroom townhouse with an assortment of interesting and characterful housemates.  She is studying a subject she loves; enjoying the excitement of city life and has already found her soulmate (who she met whilst he was wearing a gold morphsuit!)  I have seen my little girl grow in confidence and become a self sufficient young woman.  She cooks herself falafel, does laundry and bakes cookies. Most importantly to me in all this is the fact that she is the happiest she has ever been in her entire life.  That is the very thing I have always wanted for my children, to be happy.

When I was eighteen and taking my A'Levels I was living with my unemployed boyfriend and working in the Holiday Inn at Heathrow Airport until 3 am to pay the bills. Somehow I managed to get the grades I needed to take up my place at university to study Sociology and Psycholgy.  I had my future right there in my hands, but at the eleventh hour, gave up my place to stay with my utterly unambitious boyfriend.  I got myself a job in the quality control department at Horlicks, as a laboratory assistant. Within a year I had split up with my boyfriend and started to think about the possibility of giving up my job and taking up a place at university and starting a new life for myself after all.  Then I discovered I was pregnant and my dreams of being a student were shelved forever.

Visiting Ella at the weekend and sitting at the big table in the communal living room of her student accommodation, surrounded by her housemates, I was overwhelmed with just how young they were and how much of their future lay ahead of them.  So much potential!  With their fabulous accommodation, exciting social life and endless opportunities for personal development, I couldn't help but wonder what I had missed out on as an 18 year old. This made me reflect on just how old I was getting and how many opportunities I had passed up.

I could just imagine myself as a student back in the day.  Maybe the experience would have allowed me to reach my potential. At school, it was assumed I would be a high flier one day.  I was bright with the sort of memory that made revision easy.  I loved essay writing and relished the challenge of exams.  Unfortunately, I juggled the blessing of my intelligence with the curse of depression, borderline anorexia and crippling self doubt.  I made some pretty bad decisions and really didn't live up to my promise at all.

I have written a million times that I don't have a single regret, because I wouldn't swap my husband and children for the whole world, but there is a part of me that wonders whether in an alternate universe there is a whole other version of myself.  The 'me' that didn't get involved with the low life that I thought I loved enough to throw away my chance of going to university, growing up and finding myself.  The 'me' that didn't get pregnant by said low-life in some subconscious hope that it'd make our failing relationship work.  The 'me' that met new people and became an interesting, well rounded person in my own right.  The 'me' that graduated, got a good job, travelled and made a success of myself. The 'me' that finally met a man and settled down in a lovely home and got married before bringing children into the world.  The 'me' who managed to juggle a successful career with family life and who had a wide circle of like-minded friends.  The 'me' with expensive designer clothes, manicured nails and perfectly dyed and styled hair. The 'me' who would think that someone myself was beneath her.

I may not have reached my full potential and I may not have had my chance to be a student in a funky house with cool flatmates, but I have my grown-up children who been given the opportunities I wasted. They have the world at their feet and if I can enjoy their successes and adventures vicariously through them, knowing I have helped to make it happen, then I can be proud and happy with the 'me' that I have become.  I honestly wouldn't swap this underachieving 'me' for anything!

How my kids keep making me proud - a new job and starting university

Last weekend, we packed up the car and drove to Manchester, the city that Ella will be calling home for the next three years.  With a car laden with bags of clothes, shoes, kitchen equipment and of course Ella's guitar, we headed up the M6 to our destination.  We were all a bit unsure about how the day would pan out and Freddy had been quite over emotional about losing his sister and having his family change.  In fact, we had seen some epic meltdowns over the smallest things, which is not like him at all.  But we tried to keep things light and have fun, stopping for some breakfast at the services and having an in car picnic en route!

We arrived in good time and found the campus. The brand new university building with its adjoining townhouse accommodation was an impressive sight. Although all the building work and landscaping was not completely finished, and although there had been some issues over allocating housing to students because of this, seeing the place put our minds at rest.  Once it is completely finished the place will be quite spectacular!

Ella was lucky enough to get her choice of accommodation in a lovely townhouse.  We were impressed that the university had a team of helpers on hand to advise arriving students on what to do, plus there were porters to help transport the loads of luggage from the car to her door.  Fantastic service!

The accommodation itself was lovely.  Ella has a fully furnished room with a desk, wardrobe, shelving, drawers and a large 3/4 bed.  She shares a shower room and toilet with the room next door and shares a huge kitchen/living area with her eleven flatmates.  With three full sized fridge freezers, two full size fitted ovens, two microwaves, two full sink units, toasters, kettles and a load of storage space, there is plenty of room for everyone to cook.  The living space has sofas, a big, wall mounted TV and a massive round table and seating.  It is more like a holiday home than student digs.

Megan came across to give us a hand moving Ella in, as she has made Manchester her home after graduating.  As ever it was lovely seeing her and catching up on all her news.  Megan took a career break earlier this year to try her hand in the world of film and TV.  In six months she had worked on two shorts (one starring some bloke off of Corrie, which made my mum' day), one feature film starring John Hurt (in which both Megan and Ella had roles as extras) and a CBBC series.  It was a real adventure for her, but the 14 hour days, extreme pressure and the hierarchy of the industry made her realise that, although a great experience, it wouldn't cut it as a career choice for her.  So Megan set about returning to the corporate world and quickly was approached by the biggest digital marketing agency in the UK who offered her a job there and then.  She starts in October!  I'm so very proud of her.

Once we had moved Ella's stuff into the townhouse, we took the 10 minute walk to the main university complex and enjoyed a vegan lunch at Falafel, a delicious and healthy fast food outlet serving freshly cooked falafel in a pitta wrap with salad, hummus, tahini and chilli sauce.  One of the perks of city life is the choice of fabulous world food on your doorstep!  While Ian and Freddy had a play in the park next to the university, my girls and I went for a wander to check out the student union and pick up Ella's Fresher's wristband and help her find her bearings in her new hometown.

A quick spot of shopping at the huge Asda, which is a short walk from Ella's campus, and we had done everything we had to do.  I didn't plan how or when we would leave, nor did I want to think about it in case I cried and upset Ella, but it actually ended up so easy.  When we got back to Ella's house, her flatmates were chatting and getting to know each other and it was the most natural thing in the world for Ella to join in their conversation.  Gone was my timid little girl and in her place was a confident young woman, eager to start this new chapter in her life.  My heart swelled with love and pride as we said our good-byes.  It was like she belonged there and it would be the making of her. Yes, I shed a tear, but not because I was sad, but because I was so bloody proud and happy for my little girl being given this chance to shine.

As we drove away from Manchester, with my slightly smaller family, Freddy started talking about why he had been so upset over the last couple of days before Ella left.  He told us that he hadn't understood what university was.  He thought Ella was going to "another country with glowing floors and shiny walls" and that he wouldn't be able to see her.  However, he said that after seeing where she was living he now knew that it was "just normal" and that Ella would be OK.  In that instant, my calm, loving, well behaved little boy returned and all was good with the world once again.

Now, a few days since Ella left home, I've talked everyday by either phone, text or Skype to both of my girls and I've been enjoying Facebook updates and photographs of Ella's student antics.  She has embraced student life and has some wonderful flatmates.  There have been big nights out and impromptu house parties.  She is making the most of this opportunity and I could not be more proud! Having my third chick fly the nest has not left me bereft at all. My heart isn't emptier it's fuller and bursting with love for them all. My life feels even richer now, knowing I have another grown up child, doing me proud and making their mark. This is what being a mum is all about, raising kids to become confident, happy and fulfilled adults, and right now I am feeling pretty damn content about my life, watching my three big kids forge their own paths in the big wide world.

Saying Goodbye to Ella - Finding My New Normal

When I think back to when Ella was a baby, I conjure up wonderful images of a delicate, golden haired child with an open and engaging smile that radiated beauty and warmth, lighting up any room.  Now she is 18, her smile still has the same effect.  Ella shines with a glow that quite literally lights up our lives. 

Ella was born at a time when I was still reeling from the devastation of losing my eldest sister.  Before she died, I told her that I was pregnant and that my baby girl would have her name as her middle name.  I'm so glad she knew, even though she never got to meet her niece.  It was so hard knowing that I had created a new life as my sister's life was ebbing away, but carrying a new baby brought me some comfort and I felt that a part of my sister, some of her spark, had become a part of my unborn child.

This weekend, Ella will be leaving to go to university, and left behind will be an Ella shaped hole.  However, we will be filling that hole with our pride and love and giving Ella all our support and positive energy as she embarks on this big adventure.

She has grown up to be a most wonderful daughter and an amazing friend to me and to her siblings.  She is such a calming influence on everyone and she possesses such natural empathy that she knows exactly what to do and say in any situation.  Her little brother Freddy and sister Kizzy adore her and are going to miss their big sister dreadfully. I have never seen siblings as close and the bond shared between them is something very special and so precious.

Ella will be studying Criminology and Psychology in Manchester, the city that my eldest daughter Megan has made her home.  It's such a comfort for me to know that my girls will be near each other and there for each other. As a family, we love Manchester and fully intend to make many visits to see both of our grown-up girls. 

As Ella forges her path into the big wide world, I will have to become accustomed to a whole new normal. We've enjoyed some wonderful quality time together these last few weeks, shopping, lunching and watching trashy films before doing the afternoon school run together.  It's been lovely for me to have her around.  She is great company.

  Ella is my third child to fly the nest and I will be left with just two of my little chicks living at home. I'm sure the house will feel disproportionately quieter and emptier without Ella in it.  I'll miss the sound of her singing and  playing the guitar (thank goodness for her YouTube channel) and I'll miss spending the evenings watching and discussing our favourite TV shows together. (Although we do have some Skype plans in place for the season finales of our favourite shows!)   However, knowing that Ella will be making a brand new life for herself is just so exciting.  I want her to grow her wings and fly out into the world of opportunities and fulfill her potential. I know how much fun and how many adventures lie in store for her. It's just that I will miss her...that's all.

I'm sure it will take me longer to adapt to my new normal than it takes Ella to adapt to student life, but I know that we all have so much to look forward to.  This is yet another step on our family journey and I couldn't be prouder of having such an intelligent, beautiful, loving and talented daughter.

"Good luck Ella.  You have done us all proud and we adore you.  Go rock Manchester!"

Parenting Teens - Saying Good-Bye

When it comes to my older children's friends, I have always adopted an open door policy in my home. Friends are more than welcome to come over anytime and I love knowing that my children can enjoy their friendships in the safety and comfort of their own home. Here they can enjoy being fed and watered and make use of the technology and entertainment available. Ian and I are very easygoing parents, and believe in giving teenagers the trust and respect they deserve. We don't see the need for setting rules like some parents do.  I remember one of Megan's boyfriend's mums telling me that I had to enforce an 'open bedroom door' and 'one-foot-on-the-floor-at-all-times' policy when they were together. At first I thought she was joking, but sadly she was deadly serious.  I had to agree to disagree with her thought process.  Treating young adults in a way that says 'you are not trusted' and 'I disapprove of what you do' is counterproductive in my eyes. I prefer to equip them with the tools to make good decisions, give them the confidence to do what is right for them and keep the channels of communication open. Stifling freedom and projecting a lack of trust only leads to deceit, secrets and resentment. I want open, loving, mutually respectful relationships with my kids, and so far my parenting techniques have proven pretty successful!

Over the years I have got to know lots of lovely young adults who have enjoyed the McDonald house hospitality and it's been a real honour to be a part of their lives.  Being older teenagers, I don't feel responsible for them in the way I am with younger children.  It is quite liberating to get to know them as people in the own rights, rather than being just your child's friend.  I have found this element of parenting really rewarding over the years, allowing me to better understand and relate to my own kids' lives in a very natural and empathetic way.

Ella's current best friend, on-off boyfriend and regular house guest from across the years is Jake.  At 18 years old, he is the most polite, friendly, helpful, charming, well mannered lad I have ever encountered.  He is absolutely brilliant with Freddy, who calls him his best friend.  He is great company and a pleasure to have around.  Ella and Jake's friendship hasn't always been plain sailing, but they have worked hard to sort out problems they encountered and are now the cutest twosome ever.

On Monday, Jake is embarking on a much coveted placement through the Year in Industry scheme.  He is an electronics and technology whizz.  The kind of guy who can make his own apps, design robots and invent his own electronic devices.  He has won awards and his skills have proven very marketable.  I have him earmarked as the next Steve Jobs.  While I am absolutely delighted for him to have this opportunity, I admit to having a little pang of sadness knowing that he is leaving to start a new life for himself away from our hometown.  We are going to miss him dreadfully!

Jake's big adventure will take him off into the big wide world as he moves to a new city and learns to live independently as a grown-up!  Last night we had a dinner party to say good-bye.  I made him a Star Wars Millenium Falcon cake, which we brought out to the Star Wars theme tune.  It was a fun evening, but good-byes are always hard.  However happy you are for someone when they get the opportunity to better themselves and do something exciting, you can't help but think about what you will be missing.  And we will be missing him a lot.

In a few weeks time it will be Ella's turn to step out into the big wide world as she embarks on her own adventure.  She'll be off to university to study a subject that she is passionate about. My beautiful little Ella will be taking a huge leap into her future.  I'm so excited for her, but our home will be so much emptier without her in it.  She is a shining light in my life, and I know she will shine brighter still as she enters the next phase of her life.  She has so much to give and is a beautiful person inside and out.

Thankfully we have the internet and all its ways of staying in touch through social media and Skype, and we fully intend to be regular visitors to see Ella at university and enjoy days out together.  (Plus the invitation for days out is extended to Jake who will only be a half hour away from Ella.)

As for Jake, it's farewell and good luck for now.  He knows he is always welcome here in his home from home and I can always knock up a Millennium Falcon cake anytime!  As for Ella, I intend to make the most of these last few weeks before she spreads her wings and flies into adulthood! I'm not going to dwell on her leaving yet, there is still too much Ella time to be cherished!

I am so proud of them both. In a society that throws scorn on teenagers, this pair are a shining example of just how amazing young people can be. I love them to bits.

It is an honour to see young people grow up and become the adults they are destined to be. I am so happy for them to be embarking on their new adventures, but saying good-bye is such a hard part of parenting teens.

My Daughter...The Graduate

My daughter Megan has always been a clever girl who has excelled in an academic environment.  She was so bright that she skipped an entire school year, going to secondary school when she was 10 and got a place studying Business Management and Marketing at the University of Manchester when she was just 17.

I still remember the day we dropped her off at her Halls of Residence to begin her three year stint as a university student.  I recall the tears that I cried as I drove away leaving my little girl on her own for the first time in the big city.  I needn't have worried though.  My girl did us proud and took to life as a student with the same tenacity that she applies to everything in her life.

It wasn't always easy for her.  She had some problems including some issues with her health which lead to her missing a lot of her second year studies.  I must admit that I wasn't sure that she would continue with her degree at this time, and even told her that there would be no shame in stepping out of the situation for a while and picking it up again at a later date, especially as she was a year ahead of herself.   But she fought back.  Like she always does.

Today, my daughter received notification of her final results...a 2:1!  I am incredibly proud of her and her achievements.  It's as simple as that.

I know good things are heading her way!

Teenagers and Exams

At the moment, my 15 year old daughter Ella is taking some of her GCSE exams.  Today it's Biology and Geography SDME.  My eldest daughter Megan also has five of her final year exams at university taking place.  The whole concept of exams and education has been very much at the forefront of my mind.

When I was at school I was one of those people who loved exams.  I was not very engaged in class.  I didn't enjoy participating in lessons and preferred the challenge of being on my own with an exam paper.  No distractions, no having to listen to a teacher and no being held back by the less able students.  It was quite a selfish way to conduct myself.  I took very little part in classroom activities but totally rocked the exams.  I had strings of stress-free A's.

The format of O'Levels were very different to GCSE's.  We had a multi-choice paper, a short answer question paper and an essay paper.  It was very straightforward and tested your knowledge of the whole subject.  How times have changed!  GCSE papers seem very strange to me, filled with odd scenarios that require you to think outside of the box and decipher the question before applying any factual knowledge.  There is an emphasis on evidence and proof rather than just the facts.  It tests something very different and I'm not sure I get it!

Instead of highlighters and revision notes, which were my tools of choice, kids these days use Moodle, an online resource.  The temptation to flit between social media and revision is too great, and I defy any teen to be 100% committed to the uninspiring pages of exam questions when an MSN conversation beckons just a click away!  Procrastination is just too easy!

All that aside, I have found my attitude to the education system changing dramatically.  Ella is not as happy with exams as I was.  They cause her stress and make her feel sick.  She is an incredibly clever girl and the teachers quickly saddled her with predictions of achieving A*s.  This is course is great for the school helping them exceed their targets and make them look good in the league tables.  The teachers will be able to take credit for the results and prove their worth in a system that is now based so heavily on paperwork, evidencing added value and results.  Exam results are as much about the school as the kids who sit them.  Consequently there is enormous pressure on my daughter, and she has cracked under it.

She has told me how certain teachers have given her a hard time because she got a high B and not an A in a mock exam.  Seriously?? Is this the way to motivate a teenager?  She was made to feel like she wasn't good enough and underachieving.  When 48% of her peers will fail to even get the expected standard of 5 GCSE passes, why put pressure on someone who is doing perfectly well?  Can they not concentrate on the low achievers and help a few of them succeed?  Ella will do just fine, but not if she is made to feel worthless in the process.

I have come to realise that as long as you get a grade C or above in English and Maths and three other passes, no one really cares what GCSE grades you get.  Employers aren't interested in what you got at school when you were 15 or 16.  So whether you get an A or a B is irrelevant.  For me, my daughter's mental state, self esteem and confidence are far more important than whether she gets A*s on her exam certificates.

My eldest son performed OK at school.  He wasn't highly academic but achieved above average results.  School tried to pressure him into the university route which I felt from the start was not for him.  He went into college but clearly had no desire to pursue academia.  After failing his first year we stepped in and helped him find the confidence to leave education, in spite of the teachers trying to make him persevere.  He has gone on to excel in the workplace and is doing very well as a System's Analyst.  He didn't need A'Levels or a degree to get where he is.  It isn't always the right route.

Megan is a high achiever and walked away with 7 A*s and 5 As at GCSE.  She went on to get her A'Levels and is now in her final year at University.  She has however, come to the conclusion that she feels pigeon-holed by her degree and after she graduates plans to take a completely different direction.  I am proud of her for coming to this conclusion because ultimately it is her happiness that is the most important thing.  She hasn't wasted three years at university because she will have a good, well valued degree and has learned many life lessons.  But life as a number-cruncher does not excite her at 20 years of age.  She will have her whole life to work out what and who she wants to be. Number-crunching can wait!

There is too much pressure on our teens.  The options they take to decide which GCSEs they want to do is made out to be the most vital decision of their lives, when in reality you are just trying to find subjects that actually fit into the timetable.  Then you have to pick A'Levels.  Again there is so much pressure on kids to pick the right subjects.  I told Ella to pick what she enjoys.  Unless you have a specific career goal in mind, it really doesn't matter.  It's all UCAS points at the end of the day.  Generally, once you get to university you are told to forget everything you've learned up to that point.  And who really knows what they want to be when they grow up anyway.  Life will kick up all manner of opportunities and unexpected directions.  I'm one for embracing what comes along.

I have come to realise that the mental health of my children and their self-esteem is far more important than any exam results they get.  I want them to do their best, but not at any cost.  I hope they succeed in becoming what they want to be, I hope they will be hard working and take pride in their achievements.  But I also hope they know when enough is enough.  I don't want them crumbling in the face of unnecessary pressure, just to satisfy OFSTED or a teacher's targets.  I want them to enjoy their education.  I do not want them to dread it.  Life is about so much more than that.  I do not want their joie de vivre sucked out in the face of undue pressure to perform.

I am so proud of my children.  I don't need an A* to prove how great they are.

My Girls are Worth So Much More than their Exam Results!

University Fees...Are They Worth It??

With University fees set to rise to £9000 a year, I've been thinking about how this will impact on my family.

A study of 500 middle income families taken by Edge, a charity that aims to raise awareness for vocational education, showed that 51% believed they would be unable to afford to send their child to university.  31% believed that higher education was not even worth the investment.

I have a 19 year old daughter who has just completed her second year at the University of Manchester where she studies Business and Marketing. Ian earns too much for her to get any financial help, but she gets a loan for tuition fees.  But we have to support her so she can live, eat, buy books and of course socialise!  It doesn't come cheap.  Ian may earn well on paper but in reality we have a mortgage, two cars, three dependant kids and a 22 year old who still needs financial help too, as he tries to make his own way in the world.  We are bled a little bit dry!  Yes, we are incredibly fortunate that Ian earns enough to support us all, but we are not by any stretch of the imagination 'rolling in it' after all the outgoings have gone out!

We don't get Family Tax Credits and our Child Benefit is going to stop if the government's proposals go ahead.  Our finances will be even tighter.  Yet when daughter number 2 goes to university we will be expected to foot even more cash to facilitate her education.  I hate to think of my kids starting their working life with a £30 grand debt.  What a weight to hang around their necks!

I'm glad that my children are attracted to the academic subjects studied at red brick unis.  If they are going to be saddled with debt I want them to at least get a respected degree that is translatable in the work place.  God help those parents whose kids study Lady Gaga or Klingon studies!  Hopefully with a fair wind behind them, my kids might even be able to get a job when they graduate and begin to pay off their awful debt!!!

To me though, the experience of going to university is about so much more than about getting an education.  I've seen Megan take on student life head on. It hasn't all been plain sailing, in fact there have been times when every fibre of my body has cried out for me to go collect her and bring her back to the safety and comfort of the family home.  Yet every problem she has overcome has equipped her with more coping mechanisms which will help her in the future.  It's been a steep learning curve but she has come through it all brilliantly, stronger, more resourceful and has had an incredible journey on the way.  She has found love...and learned so much about herself as an individual and as part of a couple.  Coming from a small market town in the country, the chance to live in a big city is priceless.  Meeting like-minded people, visiting new places, experiencing a diverse range of opportunities are things that money just can't buy.  University is stepping stone between the childhood home and being an independent grown-up, making the transition easier.

For those reasons, I think the fees are worth every penny.

You can't put a price on love.

Formal Balls at Fabulous Venues

Partying!

So when Megan finishes, Ella will be hot on her heels.  But I won't begrudge a penny of our expense.  My kids make me proud and I'll do everything I can to give them the best life possible...OK, this means no exotic holidays or designer clothes for me and Ian...but what's wrong with Centre Parcs and Primark anyhow!!!

Blog Gems...an event in my life

The King and Eye's fabulous Blog Gems is again inviting us to air an old post from our archives.  This time the topic is "an event in your life".  As ever we are encouraged to broadly interpret the prompt.  Having gone back through my posts I've decided to share an old post of mine from September of last year.  My two eldest children both left home in 2009...my son left for love, my daughter left for University.  In this post I was reflecting on this bittersweet event in my life.


Here's a link :  When they Fly the Nest