University envy - who could I have been?

Ella is having the absolute time of her life at university.  She lives in a really cool, modern 12 bedroom townhouse with an assortment of interesting and characterful housemates.  She is studying a subject she loves; enjoying the excitement of city life and has already found her soulmate (who she met whilst he was wearing a gold morphsuit!)  I have seen my little girl grow in confidence and become a self sufficient young woman.  She cooks herself falafel, does laundry and bakes cookies. Most importantly to me in all this is the fact that she is the happiest she has ever been in her entire life.  That is the very thing I have always wanted for my children, to be happy.

When I was eighteen and taking my A'Levels I was living with my unemployed boyfriend and working in the Holiday Inn at Heathrow Airport until 3 am to pay the bills. Somehow I managed to get the grades I needed to take up my place at university to study Sociology and Psycholgy.  I had my future right there in my hands, but at the eleventh hour, gave up my place to stay with my utterly unambitious boyfriend.  I got myself a job in the quality control department at Horlicks, as a laboratory assistant. Within a year I had split up with my boyfriend and started to think about the possibility of giving up my job and taking up a place at university and starting a new life for myself after all.  Then I discovered I was pregnant and my dreams of being a student were shelved forever.

Visiting Ella at the weekend and sitting at the big table in the communal living room of her student accommodation, surrounded by her housemates, I was overwhelmed with just how young they were and how much of their future lay ahead of them.  So much potential!  With their fabulous accommodation, exciting social life and endless opportunities for personal development, I couldn't help but wonder what I had missed out on as an 18 year old. This made me reflect on just how old I was getting and how many opportunities I had passed up.

I could just imagine myself as a student back in the day.  Maybe the experience would have allowed me to reach my potential. At school, it was assumed I would be a high flier one day.  I was bright with the sort of memory that made revision easy.  I loved essay writing and relished the challenge of exams.  Unfortunately, I juggled the blessing of my intelligence with the curse of depression, borderline anorexia and crippling self doubt.  I made some pretty bad decisions and really didn't live up to my promise at all.

I have written a million times that I don't have a single regret, because I wouldn't swap my husband and children for the whole world, but there is a part of me that wonders whether in an alternate universe there is a whole other version of myself.  The 'me' that didn't get involved with the low life that I thought I loved enough to throw away my chance of going to university, growing up and finding myself.  The 'me' that didn't get pregnant by said low-life in some subconscious hope that it'd make our failing relationship work.  The 'me' that met new people and became an interesting, well rounded person in my own right.  The 'me' that graduated, got a good job, travelled and made a success of myself. The 'me' that finally met a man and settled down in a lovely home and got married before bringing children into the world.  The 'me' who managed to juggle a successful career with family life and who had a wide circle of like-minded friends.  The 'me' with expensive designer clothes, manicured nails and perfectly dyed and styled hair. The 'me' who would think that someone myself was beneath her.

I may not have reached my full potential and I may not have had my chance to be a student in a funky house with cool flatmates, but I have my grown-up children who been given the opportunities I wasted. They have the world at their feet and if I can enjoy their successes and adventures vicariously through them, knowing I have helped to make it happen, then I can be proud and happy with the 'me' that I have become.  I honestly wouldn't swap this underachieving 'me' for anything!

How becoming a mother shaped my life - Happy Birthday Joe x

My eldest child Joe is 26 years old today.  The little boy I raised is now a man.  A man that I am proud to call my son.

When I gave birth to Joe, I was little more than a child myself.  A teenager with no direction, floundering through life making a series of mistakes and bad judgments.  But having Joe gave me the incentive and the strength I needed to grow up and to heal myself, in order to become someone worthy of being his mother. He made me whole for the first time, giving me purpose and making me want more for myself and for him.  That tiny 7 lb 1 oz baby saved me.

Over the years my son has taught me many things about myself, about life and about parenthood.  We didn't always have it easy, but together we muddled through as best we knew how.  Sometimes I look back and wish that Joe could have enjoyed the charmed existence that his little brother Freddy has now. But the journey we took back then has made us the people we are today.  And who we are today has been shaped by everything we experienced together.

I do have regrets about my past, but I wouldn't change a single thing, because anything done differently would have altered the path that I ultimately took.  The path that has lead me to who and what I am today.  The path that has blessed me with five incredible children along with the richness they have brought into my world.  The path that gave my children the most amazing father they could have ever wished for.  The path that has given them a mother who is hopefully, in their eyes, worthy of that title. The path that has lead my son Joe to become an amazing man with his own beautiful family, a promising career and a sense of humour that never ceases to make me smile.

Joe is a man I am proud to call my son.  The father of my first born grandchild.  Big brother to the girls and Freddy. A man who I have watched grow as a person, learning from his mistakes and evolving into a more responsible, hard working, loving, hilariously funny, unique human being with a passion for cars, computer gaming, playing football and for providing for his family.

Joe, I love you.

Happy birthday son xxx

Do You Do Date Nights?

Ian and I have been married for over sixteen years and together as a couple for over twenty years.  Before getting together officially at 23, we were very close friends and had been boyfriend and girlfriend for a year when we were about fifteen.  So we have had a long relationship, spanning three decades!  We are clearly absolutely and undoubtedly meant to be together.

When we got together at 23, I had two children which meant that we weren't able to 'date' with any wild abandon, spontaneity or freedom, so we quickly fell into enjoying time together at home and as a family. We skipped the bit where you go out wining, dining, clubbing or socialising.  It just didn't happen.  And as we went on to have three more children, we simply have never had the freedom or motivation to revisit the whole date night thing.  If we ever had the opportunity to go out, I always feel guilty about leaving the older kids babysitting and rush back home feeling stressed.  I think I've become a date-ophobe!!

Now Freddy is at school I don't think I can use him as an excuse to not go out once in a while.  He isn't a baby anymore.  I need to look at myself and at my relationship and give me and Ian the chance to rediscover each other.  I want to dress up to impress him and present myself as a woman who wants to spend some quality time together with her man away from the routine and comfort of home and family.  We need to start dating and get into the habit of doing things for ourselves as a couple.  Enjoying each others' company as grown ups and not just spending the evening discussing the kids and wondering if they are coping without us (which of course they will be, because they are great kids who are very competent...so why do I worry so much?)

Our third child is due to fly the coop next year, embarking on a life as a university student.  In a blink of an eye, the two youngest will be making lives of their own, going out, socialising and not needing to be 'mummied' 24/7 anymore.  There will come a point when it is just me and Ian...for the first time ever in our relationship.  We need to start building the foundations for this time in our lives, or there is a distinct danger of me being one of those mums who suffers from empty nest syndrome so badly that she ends up stalking her children and camping out on their doorsteps just to feel fulfilled again.  I need to redefine myself as a woman and not just as a mother, although being a mother to my five wonderful children is the role that I am most proud of and will always be a role that I cherish.

I was recently approached by Head and Shoulders offering me an opportunity to talk to a life coach, receive some pampering products and go on a date.  I jumped at the chance!  It sounds like exactly the sort of thing I need to break my non-dating cycle.  I commit myself 100% to blog challenges and this would provide the impetus needed to get pampered, glammed up, cast off my mummy guilt and enjoy a date with the man I love.  It could be the start of something good!

So, watch this space, because a new confident woman ready to hit the town with her husband, is about to emerge.  I'm sure that taking part in this challenge will give my confidence as well as my relationship a great boost and set us off on a new and exciting phase of our life!

A Quarter of a Century Ago

25 years ago on the 8th October 1988, I gave birth to my first child.  My son. Joe.
He changed my life, giving me direction, focus, hope for the future and love.  He was my salvation from a dark point in my life.

Everyday he has made me proud.

Now as a dad with a family of his own, I see the adult that he has become. A wonderful man with a strong work ethic. An amazing dad who is making a good life for himself with his fiancee Jade and their little boy Ted. (Who has an obsession with gaming computers and shiny cars!)

He still makes us laugh and will always be a big kid at heart.  He still has that cheeky glint in his eye and the naughty streak that he had as a little boy.  I wouldn't change that for the world. He is a brilliant big brother to his sisters (...and a bad influence on his little brother!)

I love my boy.  With all my heart.

Happy birthday son. xxx

Talking to Myself...The Story of My Life

Little girl.  You are so small yet so soulful.  You try to do silly things to make people laugh.  You put on your yellow footless tights and dance around the room looking like Big Bird from Sesame Street.  You want to be loved and crave attention, flitting between your two sisters, making allegiances with whoever will give you the most fussing!  You will be terrified when big fish make you cry at London Zoo when they swim towards the glass ominously, as you stand on tippitoes trying to peer into their tank!  You will never forget that.  A car will hit you when you run across the road after feeding the horses in the paddock with your sister.  Your mum will make you walk home afterwards instead of taking you to hospital...miraculously you survive!  Take care little girl...there is so much you need to do!

Awkward 10 year old girl.  You are so painfully embarrassed to join in with things, that you limit your opportunities.  Your mum works at the local playcentre and is dinner lady at your school so the kids all look at you with distrust!  When you win the Playcentre arts and crafts prize for making a collage of a fish (memories of the scary fish at London Zoo perhaps) that you painstakingly spent hours on, gluing down balls of tissue and grains of sand, the other kids will shout "FIX!"  You will see your mum lavishing attention on other children while keeping a professional distance from you.  It will hurt like hell.  You will sit in the corner at the roller discos. You will hide behind the Playcentre when the mean kids chase after you.  But you have some good friends and there is fun to be had.  You just need to not be afraid.

Schoolgirl and teenager.  You are so very intelligent and totally capable of anything, but you never really reach your full potential in adulthood.  People are starting to see you as quirky with a wry sense of humour.  Being at secondary school gives you more independence and new friends, although you'll never break into the popular crowd.  You won't realise it, but you've already met your future husband and have made lifelong friends.  You start to mess around with your eating, you hate the feeling of food in your mouth.  You find it empowering to avoid eating.  It gets you attention when the popular girls admire how slim you are.  It's a slippery slope.

 Older teenager...oh dear.  You are 5 ft 11" and pretty skinny.  People say you could be a model, but with your self-esteem that would be impossible.  You realise that the boys are getting interested, but you keep your distance for now.  Your mum tells you that your pretty, blonde, bubbly cousin is "courting"...why aren't you.  She is a favourite of the family.  You are truly a black sheep.  The sullen  one.  Before it's even fashionable, before it has a name you self-harm.  You carry a small pen knife for when the inner turmoil gets too much.  Cutting releases the pain.  In the future when you have your blood pressure taken, you will tell the nurse you put your hand through a window.  You will still have scars when you are 41. Not your best idea :(
For a couple of years you will go off the rails big style...don't worry it is just part of your journey.

19 year old me.  You don't go to university despite getting the grades.  You get a job in a laboratory.  You think you're in love.  You're not...but it was the best thing that could have happened to you.  Because although you end up on your own and pregnant, for the first time in your life you feel positive.  Your GP tells you it is the first time you've looked at her in the eye, following weeks of seeing her after trying to cut your wrist with a razor blade.  This baby is your salvation.  The birth will be traumatic.  His survival is touch and go.  It's a test.  You pass...you are given a chance to embark upon the most wonderful journey.  Motherhood. You embrace it...I thank you for that!

In your 20's you have confidence.  You've found a role in life where you can be truly happy.  Loving a child has allowed you to love yourself.  You are further blessed with two beautiful daughters. Your friend since school has become your husband.  He never judges you and he loves you for who you are, and for who you make him want to be.  Family life with you both at the helm is everything you ever wanted.  You give your children the love and attention they need to flourish.  Seeing them so confident and happy in turn makes you feel validated and worthy of being their mum.  No-one would ever believe the darkness that used to reside in you.  Sometimes it surfaces, but you know how to supress it and you have someone who understands.



In your 30's you bask in the reflected glory of your wonderful children.  Another little girl adds more joy to your life.  Your husband finds a great job with a good wage that sees you move into your own home, and with a shrewd move a few years later you own a 4 bedroomed detached house.  Your journey of self-discovery continues and you become a strong woman.

In your 40's...a gift.  A baby son.  Your family is complete.  You are still in love with your husband.  You have a nice home and nice things.  You reconcile your past.  You start a blog and connect with the world.

You are me....and I am proud x