Dark clouds, sunshine and birthday wishes

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions with some of the most heart crushing lows I have ever experienced. I have felt tested to my limits, but know that going through these tough times is only making us stronger and closer as a family. When life is this hard, it opens your eyes to the people who really care about you. The people who have rallied round providing emotional and physical support have been amazing. The people who have shown a genuine concern in our situation have made me appreciate the kindness of fellow humans. The love that has been extended has made a world of difference to us as a family and I shall be forever thankful. The past few months have changed me as a person and as a mother.

Through all our recent trials, one thing has been a constant. The love of my children and my absolutely unconditional, neverending love for them. My children really are everything to me. Being their mother defines me. Their pain is my pain. When they hurt, I hurt. I know this for a fact. They bring so much love, pride and joy into my life. They give me strength and give me reason. Five rocks in the sea of my life, anchoring me when I fear being swept away.

But life carries on even when you feel that reality is crashing down around you. There are still special days that beg and deserve to be celebrated. We have so much to look forward to. Wonderful times lie just ahead on the horizon like beacons of hope. I know we are getting closer, just a little bit farther to go and we'll be there. Smiling. Happy. We just need to stay strong.

This weekend we will be celebrating my daughter Ella's and my birthdays. Ella is turning twenty but she is still my baby girl. It's unbelievable to think that my tiny, beautiful little girl is getting so grown up. She is an incredible young woman. She is thriving at university and is using her natural empathy and desire to make a difference to help people, through volunteering and mentoring. I am so proud of her achievements and the direction her life is going in. She is so kind, loving and thoughtful. She gives me so many reasons to feel proud.

So today, I say Happy Birthday to my gorgeous girl. You are a shining light. You give me so many reasons to smile and I adore you for it. You've also wept with me, and I adore you for that too. You care so much about your family and give so much love and joy to us all, even in our darkest hours. I love you to the moon and back.

For my birthday this year, I am wishing that we get through these crazy times to a place where we can look back and laugh. I know that as a family, we can get through anything. We've got each others' backs and we will power through together. Because together we are stronger.

Things will get better and I know we will get closure on this dark chapter in our lives. But I shall be taking all the lessons learned with me, making me a better person, mum, wife, nana and daughter. I won't forget the way I have felt. I won't forget the people who have cared. I won't ever take my family for granted. I promise that I will appreciate every single day that I am blessed with these wonderful people who I love so much.

Even when bad times cast a shadow over us, I know we will be stepping out into the sunlight again soon.

The Name Ella Means Light

Saying Goodbye to Ella - Finding My New Normal

When I think back to when Ella was a baby, I conjure up wonderful images of a delicate, golden haired child with an open and engaging smile that radiated beauty and warmth, lighting up any room.  Now she is 18, her smile still has the same effect.  Ella shines with a glow that quite literally lights up our lives. 

Ella was born at a time when I was still reeling from the devastation of losing my eldest sister.  Before she died, I told her that I was pregnant and that my baby girl would have her name as her middle name.  I'm so glad she knew, even though she never got to meet her niece.  It was so hard knowing that I had created a new life as my sister's life was ebbing away, but carrying a new baby brought me some comfort and I felt that a part of my sister, some of her spark, had become a part of my unborn child.

This weekend, Ella will be leaving to go to university, and left behind will be an Ella shaped hole.  However, we will be filling that hole with our pride and love and giving Ella all our support and positive energy as she embarks on this big adventure.

She has grown up to be a most wonderful daughter and an amazing friend to me and to her siblings.  She is such a calming influence on everyone and she possesses such natural empathy that she knows exactly what to do and say in any situation.  Her little brother Freddy and sister Kizzy adore her and are going to miss their big sister dreadfully. I have never seen siblings as close and the bond shared between them is something very special and so precious.

Ella will be studying Criminology and Psychology in Manchester, the city that my eldest daughter Megan has made her home.  It's such a comfort for me to know that my girls will be near each other and there for each other. As a family, we love Manchester and fully intend to make many visits to see both of our grown-up girls. 

As Ella forges her path into the big wide world, I will have to become accustomed to a whole new normal. We've enjoyed some wonderful quality time together these last few weeks, shopping, lunching and watching trashy films before doing the afternoon school run together.  It's been lovely for me to have her around.  She is great company.

  Ella is my third child to fly the nest and I will be left with just two of my little chicks living at home. I'm sure the house will feel disproportionately quieter and emptier without Ella in it.  I'll miss the sound of her singing and  playing the guitar (thank goodness for her YouTube channel) and I'll miss spending the evenings watching and discussing our favourite TV shows together. (Although we do have some Skype plans in place for the season finales of our favourite shows!)   However, knowing that Ella will be making a brand new life for herself is just so exciting.  I want her to grow her wings and fly out into the world of opportunities and fulfill her potential. I know how much fun and how many adventures lie in store for her. It's just that I will miss her...that's all.

I'm sure it will take me longer to adapt to my new normal than it takes Ella to adapt to student life, but I know that we all have so much to look forward to.  This is yet another step on our family journey and I couldn't be prouder of having such an intelligent, beautiful, loving and talented daughter.

"Good luck Ella.  You have done us all proud and we adore you.  Go rock Manchester!"

Ella is 18 Today

My beautiful baby girl looked up at me and beamed a huge smile at just 3 days old.  When the skeptical midwife saw her grinning, she said she had never seen a baby so young as responsive.  She admitted that she thought I was mistaking wind for genuine smiles, but was happy to eat her words. Ella really was a special little thing from the word go.

Over the years, my adorable little girl has become a wonderful young woman: talented, sensitive, intelligent, gifted, beautiful.  Life is not always easy for her, but she is strong.  A fighter.  She makes me proud everyday. She can light up any room from the moment she enters.

I am utterly honoured to be her mum.

Ella's YouTube channel.

           

Reasons to be Cheerful

Today, the news has been telling us that GCSE results are down for the first time ever.  English exams have been marked really harshly with the grade A boundary being raised by 10%.  Thankfully, neither of these statistics have been relevant to my daughter!  Ella has done amazingly well and got six A*s, two As and two Bs.  Her A*s are in both English Literature and Language, Maths, German, Geography and Chemistry.   Her results are even more remarkable because of the problems that she has endured this last year.  I hope her success proves to her just how brilliant she is.  We are so proud of her for so many reasons!

We officially have taken our house off the market having missed the window of opportunity for relocating.  With the new term about to start I am not going to give my children any unnecessary upheaval.  Freddy is due to start nursery, Kizzy is going into year 5 and Ella, with her fabulous grades, will be starting a new college to study her A'Levels.  Although I initially wanted to escape this place, things have changed.  Throughout the summer Ella's circle of friends have become closer and tighter and my house has become the place to be.  Last night we had seven 16 year olds sleep over, so they could go to collect their results together.  They are all good kids and it makes me so happy to see my daughter having fun with such a lovely bunch.  They have forbidden us to move!  I am happy to stay.

Ella and her friends with their results.

My amazing 16 year old daughter!

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I also heard some really sad news this week, as a lad who we knew very well has died while at V Festival.  He was one of my son Joe's best friends when they were growing up on the estate where we used to live.  He spent a lot of time at our house and was a real cheeky chappy.  He always made us smile with his antics.  It is so tragic that he has died aged just 22.  The coroner's report has proved inconclusive.  Although this obviously isn't a reason to be cheerful, it reminds us to hold our loved ones closer and be so grateful for each other.  RIP Timmy x

Ella's Prom Night #Project 52

Friday night was Ella's Prom, celebrating the end of her GCSEs and of secondary school life.  She chose an understated but elegant Little Black Dress to wear and looked stunning.

Before Prom started, Ella's friends all descended on our house.  There were shoes, bow ties and jackets strewn around as her friends got changed into their outfits.  The atmosphere was so upbeat.  I was honoured to be a part of their preparations in my role as unofficial pre-prom photographer. 

Her friend Jeff bought her a beautiful corsage to wear on her wrist, a gorgeous hairpiece and a cuddly toy.  She was thoroughly spoiled and treated (quite deservedly) like a princess.

I love how down to earth her friends are.  They all looked gorgeous and scrubbed up well, but didn't go down the OTT route.  Proms are becoming so huge in the UK with kids arriving in stretch limos, wedding cars or by horse and carriage.  Some of the dresses worn would rival those worn by brides on their big day.  I wonder what Prom will be like when Kizzy and Freddy are sixteen?!

Ella's friends are truly a lovely bunch of teenagers.  They look out for each other, are supportive, friendly and loyal.  I am so proud of her for choosing to be part of such a great friendship group.  They have helped her through some tough times.

Come September, Ella will be going to a new college in another town, but will always have her hometown friends.  

It was lovely seeing Ella and her friends so happy and having such fun as they waited for us parents/chaffeurs to take them in convoy to the school where the hall had been transformed  into a perfect prom venue with flowers and balloons. Thankfully the torrential rain subsided and the sun shone down on them as they arrived making it all perfect.

Everyone had a fantastic time.  This is such a milestone in my daughter's life.  I am so proud of her and absolutely adore my sweet sixteen year old.

After the Party

Balloons x

Ella...I Love You!!!

Happy Birthday to my gorgeous girl....I love you loads and loads. xxx

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

My Beautiful Daughter is 16 This Weekend

People complain about teenagers.  But the stereotype of a monosyllabic, door slamming, liberty taking, ungrateful teen, couldn't be further from the truth when I think of Ella.  She is truly a shining light in my life, a girl with empathy, compassion and a loving heart.  She is a wonderful daughter and an amazing sibling to both her older and younger siblings.  She adores her grandparents and brings them such joy as she performs for them on her guitar or gives them hugs letting them know just how much she loves them.

Even as a baby, Ella had an ethereal quality, a sensitivity and delicateness that made her seem vulnerable both physically and emotionally. As a teen, she may have her demons but she also has an inner strength which I know will win through.  She amazes me with her resilience and determination and we are coping with our problems together as a family. Nothing will extinguish the bright light that shines inside her, however hard it tries.

My baby girl has grown into a talented, intelligent, creative individual.  She loves to draw and her bedroom walls are covered in sketches of her favourite Disney characters (alongside photos of her favourite horror film icons!)  Her music fills our home.  She is independent, I've never had to nag her to do homework, revise or tidy her room.  She has a strong moral code and consequently is given total freedom, yet she has never betrayed our trust.  I know that choices she makes are right for her at that time and I respect her decisions. She does incredibly well academically, but has a humility that I find humbling.

I sometimes thinks my kids sound too good to be true, so to balance things out, she hates kittens, spends ages doing her hair, is an absolute nightmare to hurry along in the morning and has a strange and macabre fascination for serial killers and horror films!

So, I give thanks for the child that I was blessed with sixteen years ago and celebrate the colour, complexity and richness that she has brought into our life.  Ella means "bright light" (Greek origins) and I can't think of a more appropriate name for my daughter.  Happy Birthday Ella xxx

#Project 366 becomes #Project 52!!

Reflecting on my own participation in Project 366, I decided that a daily photo post on my blog was just too self-indulgent.  Hell, I was boring myself!  However, I love the idea of capturing photos of my family and our life everyday so I'll be doing a project 52!  One photo post a week of what we've got up to, to sum up our week!

Ella and Freddy have a new game, where she picks him up and puts him in the linen basket!

Freddy in a Basket

Peepo

What's In a name?

I'm sat here on my laptop...my respite from the poorliness that has descended Inside the Wendy House.  The two youngest are struck down by this nasty bug that sets up home in the ears and throat rendering them into husky, grumpy and moany versions of themselves.  Bless them.   :(  Sleep has not been forthcoming for the last 48 hours and I am at that slightly spaced out stage of sleep deprivation where I feel certain that Tyler Durden will appear at any moment and try to sell me hand made soap made from the by-product of liposuction ( a little Fight Club reference there...in case you're not a fan and think I've actually gone completely mad).


So, I'm sat here wondering what to do, to help my poor addled brain cling on to its last scrap of sanity before it shuts down and gives up the will to think!


My idea for this post has arisen from my daughter Kizzy who recently googled her name.  She approached me and said " Mum, am I a Hebrew?"  This, unexpected question that came from seemingly nowhere struck me dumb for a moment, until she continued "...because Kezia is Hebrew and it means tree bark."  It then made perfect sense and I was relieved that she wasn't intending to join the Kabbalah and wanted to check her credentials first.  But then she wanted to know why I named her after the outer coating of a deciduous tree.  This got me to thinking do name meanings actually influence our decisions as to what we call our baby?  Or is the process far more complex.


We've all read about celebrities naming offspring after the place where their child was conceived, started by the Beckhams and their little Brooklyn.  This trend has spread out across the class system with the birth of little Number 16 Bus Shelter in 2008!  Classy!  Sometimes, we give our precious baby the name of something special to us, which holds great meaning and affection...sad then that twins were given the name Benson and Hedges recently.  Poor creatures blighted to a life of social handicap in a world that is hard enough without being   named after a 20 pack of fags!


My own children's names were all deliberated over from the moment those pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test.  With a mix of excitement and a sense of enormity for the responsibility, I came up with five perfect names!!


Joseph
Anyone who watched Blue Peter in the early 80's will remember the amazing man Joey Deacon.  Born with severe cerebral palsy and institutionalised as a child, he was virtually written off by society.  However, despite this, with the help of his friends, he wrote his memoirs "Tongue Tied" and went on to be quite a celebrity.  His influence on my life was immense...his triumph over adversity was inspirational.  So much so, that when I went to a fair and won a goldfish, I called it Joey!   Seven years later, my first born son was born.  What else could I call him...
                                                           

Megan
At the time Megan was quite a rare name in the UK.  People would comment on it and ask if I was Welsh.  Since then it hasn't dropped out of the top ten baby names for girls, much to my daughter's disgust.  She wanted a name as rare and beautiful as an exotic flower...instead she wound up common!  Her name was a bolt out of the blue decision that came to me whilst watching Jamie Lee Curtis in Blue Steel.  

Ella
The amazing Ella Fitzgerald was the inspiration behind our daughter's name.  How did we know she was destined to be the musical one!!!  Coincidentally, when we were first together, me and Ian liked the group The The and their song Love is Stronger than Death was played at our wedding.  El...is the in Spanish and La...is the in French.  So there you have it!!  Cosmic powers at work!!

Kezia
She was not named after tree bark, she was named after the main character from the book The Diddakoi and its TV adaptation, about a little Gypsy girl....Kizzy.  Shown in 1976, the drama about a little outsider who found it difficult to conform, really resonated with me.    The lonely, sullen girl was someone I related to.  Thankfully, my Kizzy is the antithesis of this.  She is gregarious, funny, friendly and adventurous...reality did not imitate art.  I am most pleased!  Kizzy was delighted to meet a fellow Kezia in the Sea Life Centre at Chessington who was also named after the Diddakoi.  I am not the only one!

Freddy
My baby boy, my late life gift who made my family complete could have only been honoured with a name that truly meant something to us.  He had to have the name of the best nightmare, dream stalking, knife gloved, stripy jumpered, fedora wearing horror icon.  My beautiful baby's namesake is indeed Freddy Krueger.  

So where did your children's names come from?