Friday, 24 April 2015

How the Hell am I 46 Today??

I'm 46 today.

46 years on earth can I be 46?

I distinctly remember being the same age as each of my kids are now, with vivid recollections of clothing I wore, things I said, feelings I felt and friends I made. How can those memories be from so long ago?

It seems like only yesterday that I was a teenager, dressing up for a night out. Donning my DM's, my black leather skirt and jacket, I thought I was cooler than Hazel O'Connor, Toyah and Siouxsie Sioux combined. My painted black nails, dark lipstick and back combed hair may not have been the most flattering look, but it was my look and I rocked it.

eighties, pvc

I was so slim back then too. It didn't matter what I ate, I was naturally skinny. But I was also moody and surly. I was anti-establishment and anti-social. I wanted to save the whale and ban the bomb. Marx was my historical hero and '1984' was my book of choice.

I absorbed myself in the music and lyrics of David Bowie, Bauhaus, The Smiths, The Cure and Echo and the Bunnymen (whilst secretly loving Madonna, Motown and The Carpenters).

Thinking that the peak of my teen years, when I was sixteen years old, ended thirty years ago is hard to believe.

Fast forward to today...I'm rapidly approaching the milestone of having lived for half a century. But I don't feel much older than I did back then. I'm pretty much still the same girl in lots of ways. I'm young at heart with an immature sense of humour and a love of being inappropriate. I laugh at gross out comedies and I still have crushes on the latest silver screen hunks who are probably half my age. Horror movies remain my favourite genre of film, the scarier the better. I refuse to grow old gracefully.

I still like the same eclectic mix of music. I never tell my daughter to turn down her loud music - instead I join in singing and dancing to the latest 5 Seconds of Summer or Panic at the Disco song. I still favour black clothes and I have never evolved into a stylishly dressed woman. Jeans still feature heavily in my outfits of choice. I am still in love with the same lad that I fancied when I was 14, who grew up to be my husband. We have a shared history that spans over three decades and we still embarrassingly fancy each other.

Physically I might not get away with eating what I want anymore and after five kids my natural propensity to natural slimness is nothing more than a distant memory. My face has lost that tight, tautness of youth and gravity is becoming a more difficult thing for my saggy bits to overcome. My hair is losing the battle against the grey, but I am learning to love my silver highlights rather than denying this natural part of the ageing process. But you can still see that the me of my youth is the same me that I am now.


The biggest difference in me today, compared to that mardy teenager, is that I am happy. Really, really happy and content. Age brings the wisdom and maturity to realise what is really important in this life. For me, being surrounded by love is what makes my life worthwhile. Feeling loved and giving love in return. Doing what I can to make the lives of my loved ones as happy and fulfilled as I possibly can. It may sound twee, but it's the truth.

So as my biological clock ticks into the start of its 47th year, I enter this new phase of my life with a positive outlook and a determination to live my life to the best of my ability. I am truly blessed to find myself at 46 with five children who genuinely fill me with pride everyday and who consider me a friend as well as a mother, and a husband who completes me.

Bring on being 46, because right now I really like who I am, where I am and whom I am with.


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