Self-Harm...My Dark Secret

When I was younger, I really battled with my mental health.  Things weren't as open back then, it seemed much more of a dirty secret that had to be hidden.  It was not something I could discuss with my family, it was a taboo subject.  Admitting to harbouring an innate unhappiness was like saying I'm not grateful for what I have.  I held my feelings inside, internalizing my torment and feeling guilty and embarrassed for having this dark passenger that dictated how  I would feel or behave.

Some of my earliest memories involve a self-loathing and a desire to be punished.  I'd hold my face in a sinkful of cold water until my breath burnt my lungs.  I'd shut myself in my wardrobe in the dark.  I'd hit my legs with my shoes.  I'd bang my knees together causing huge bruises on the inside of my legs.  These things were just normal behaviour to me, it's what I did to feel right.

I was 14 when I first cut myself.  I had a Saturday job in a baker's and was washing up, feeling miserable because I felt persecuted by my new boss.  I broke a glass and instinctively drew the jagged edge across the skin on my arm.  I only cut lightly and was fascinated at how the tiny droplets of blood would seep up to the surface across the gash. I felt a release, a sense of control over what I felt.  It became addictive.  If I felt low I'd cut.

I used to carry a small pen knife in my handbag to satisfy my urge to cut.  I'd make little slices into my forearms, my inner arms and my thighs.  I did it in places that I could keep hidden.  Mostly the cuts were little more than a succession of quickly executed scratches, but others would be deeper and draw the deep red blood that would drip down my skin.  It excited me and I felt empowered.  Afterwards I felt humiliated and ashamed.

I didn't have a lot of self worth.  Looking back I want to shake myself and shout at myself.  I was tall, slim, attractive, really clever and had the whole world at my feet.  Why I chose a self-destructive path was a deep seated problem that I had no control over.  I hang out at a local pub, befriending a group of guys.  They were the sort of lads I'd warn my own children against having any association with.  I was dragged into the lifestyle finding a self-destructive path through my teens that only served to erode my self-worth further.  In my mind I screamed out for something more.  I wanted acceptance and love.

When I was 17 I met someone.  He showed me the respect and care I had craved and I was quickly seduced by the notion of being in love. I threw myself into a relationship pouring all my needs onto a poor unsuspecting boy who was ill equipped to deal with me.  To me, this relationship was my answer to my problems, re-inventing myself as a new me...part of a couple.  I felt validated and defined by this tenuous connection I had made with another human being.  I gave up my place at University and moved in with his family. Unfortunately and inevitably it was doomed to failure from the onset.  My depression reached a whole new low.  I started to cut worse than ever...going on to razor blades for a sharper, deeper cut.  I'd tie belts around my neck and pull until my restricted oxygen flow made my head explode with a bright, white light. I'd give myself cigarette burns on my arms. I'd bite and scratch myself. I'd fantasise about terrible, violent things believing they would happen unless I counted to a certain number before the next car drove past me...or some other random, obsessive behaviour.  I was erratic flitting between euphoric bouts of exuberance and sitting in a corner rocking.  My health suffered too.  I was tested for all manner of ailments from glandular fever to thyroid problems.  Nothing was diagnosed.  I kept my darkness hidden from my doctor.

Eventually, the pressure of living with me became too great.  When we reached the apex of our tumultuousness and we split up, I tried to slit my wrists.  Thankfully, I did this is an overtly dramatic manner in front of him, and he physically wrestled me as I hacked at my arm.  The cuts were deep enough to see the layers of flesh and fat beneath the skin.  I remember thinking it looked a bit like sausagemeat.  I went to hospital and made such a scene, bleeding and screaming about my boyfriend wanting to leave me that I was seen straight away.  I am retrospectively embarrassed by my behaviour.

I was put under my doctor after this but although I was on a waiting list for psychiatric help I never went.  I found out shortly afterwards that I was 10 weeks pregnant.  A switch inside my head was thrown.  My doctor said it was the first time I'd looked at her in the eye.  She felt I deserved a chance to have my baby without the stigma of having had treatment for mental health problems.  Thankfully she was right.

I felt such shame having my blood pressure taken. I said my scars came from putting my hand through a window...I don't think the midwife believed me but she didn't pursue her line of questioning.  Even today, I feel the same shame having my BP done.  The thin white lines up my inner arm are mostly faded, only visible if I get a tan, but the three thick white scars on the sides of my wrist are a constant reminder of my darkest times.

Having my son, as a 19 year old single parent, made me. It gave me strength, self worth and purpose.  Things I'd been lacking.  Although I'm not completely free of my depression, I recognise it when the cloud begins to descend.  I see it for what it is...it's nobody's fault, nothing causes it...it just is.  I differentiate between feeling a bit fed up and feeling dark. It has taken me a long time to understand myself.  I'm blessed with an understanding husband who doesn't hide behind his own self pity if things get bad.

I've not self-harmed since Joe was born.  I was lucky to have found my path through the minefield in which I walked.  Some are not so lucky.

If self harm affects you or you suspect that it is affecting someone else, there is help available.  Check out this website http://www.selfharm.co.uk/home for information, support and a safe place to express feelings.  With the stigma and the veil of secrecy lifted, the guilt, shame and feeing of being judged will be too.

An Unexpected Gift from a Comment

I'm sure by now, everyone has heard the urban legend of the "Fairy Hob Mother", the mysterious visitor of blogs who reads the comments we leave and who surprises random bloggers with a surprise gift!  Like a modern day virtual Santa, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny rolled into one!  I was over the moon to be visited by the lovely, hilariously funny Ian from Appliances Online, who wanted to send me a present!  I'd made a comment on Two Become Four's Reasons to be Cheerful post.  Ian saw my comment and then visited my blog and read about my love of horror films and decided that this would be an ideal book for Inside the Wendy House!

What a fantastic choice and 100% totally right up our 'Nightmare on Elm Street'!!  The forward by Wes Craven has me wanting to read the whole book in one sitting.  Packed with tips and advice, I know I'll be a Zombie Holocaust Survivor when the inevitable happens!

I was thrilled to become a part of this phenomena and totally impressed that a company can take such a keen and caring interest in our blogs and the people behind them!  The lovely folk at Appliances Online are obviously enjoying every moment of this, and are choosing such thoughtful presents for everyone.  It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside :)

If you are ever in the market for new white goods for your home, check out their website.  They have put the customer at the heart of their business, offering free advice, a price match promise, free delivery, 10 day returns guarantee and a connection and recycling service.  They didn't ask me to say any of this by the way...but it sounded too good not to give them a plug!!

If you'd like the chance of maybe becoming the next blogger chosen to receive a special treat leave a comment on this post.  It makes my day when I receive comments on my posts, so not only will it make me happy, it might also make you very happy if you get chosen next!

You never know who might be watching! XXX

World Book Day...Geek Love

I couldn't let today go uncelebrated on my blog.  So here is an adult book recommendation which ties in terrifyingly well to my entry to Tuesday's Movie Meme .

My favourite book that I have read in recent years has to be Katherine Dunn's Geek Love.  Set in a travelling carnival, Al and his wife Crystal devise an idea to breed their own sideshow oddities using various drugs, poisons and radioactivity to alter the genes of their offspring during Crystal's pregnancies.  The results are Arty the Flipper Boy, Siamese Twins Elly and Iphy, Oly a hunchbacked albino dwarf and Chick born with telekenetic powers.  The children who do not survive are preserved in jars for the public to view.

Oly tells the story of her family and her own life. She recounts her childhood struggles in the circus, where her own deformity wasn't great enough for her to be a star which meant she was forced into menial labour, and her dealing with the Machiavellian Arty who set up his own cult, Arturism, where followers were urged to amputate limbs in an attempt to discover Peace, Isolation and Purity through self-mutilation.  His battle for control over his siblings and his followers was brutal.  He would stop at nothing.

The story of Oly's current life tells of her relationship with Miranda, her daughter (a beautiful striper with a tail that she flaunts at a fetish club) who is unaware of who her parents are.  (Oly's brother Arty is the father, conceived via the telekenetic transportation of his sperm to her egg!)  Oly spies on her daughter and will do anything to protect her.  Her protectiveness reaches a head when Miranda meets Mary Lick, a rich woman who pays attractive women to have disfiguring operations in order for them to achieve their full potential rather than be considered sex objects.  Lick's real motivation is not so honourable and Oly must stop her!

This book is gross, revolting, tragic, shocking and bizarre.  However it is also extraordinarily moving.  Oly's desire for normalcy in her abnormal world is heartbreaking.  It opens our eyes to the struggles and desires present in all of us.  Human experiences transcend physicality.  Oly yearns for love, family, acceptance and protection in an unaccepting world and with an unappreciative family that focuses its attention on her manipulative brother.

This book is emotionally draining but also riveting in its ability to make us care deeply for the central character.  The back story is dark but compelling.  The central theme is the traditional familial desires of Oly in a totally untraditional family.  We can relate to her desires and identify with her struggles although her turmoil is magnified.  We are moved by her.  This is an amazing book and well worth checking out.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Geek-Love-Abacus-Books-Katherine/dp/0349100861

Reasons to be Cheerful...Week 8

This week has been a mixed bag of emotions.  From hearing about my old school friend who tragically died to having a wonderful family party for my sister's wedding anniversary, this week has been a real rollercoaster.  I have felt really reflective this week and maybe even more thankful for the small pleasures in life.

1:  Having my children home.  All 5 of the McD brood were together again at the weekend.  Nothing makes me happier than having my children all under one roof even though it's crazy, loud and manic.  The nicest thing was seeing Freddy's bond with his older brother and sister.  They were so worried when Fred was born that he wouldn't know them as they no longer live at home.  Hearing him shout "Joe" as he trotted along behind his big brother was heartwarming.  Watching him cuddle up to Megan and giggle with her was wonderful.  He knows his family!

2:  How I Met Your Mother.  We all watched the episode of HIMYM which guest starred Hurley from Lost as "The Blitz".  We sat together laughing and quoting catchphrases and generally having a fantastic family time. I so appreciate that my kids want to have a laugh with us, their parents.  I'm so glad that we have similar senses of humour and similar tastes in TV and music and that we can enjoy each others' company.  I couldn't bear it if the generation gap had alienated us from them.  Having a close knit family is the singularly most important thing to me.  I love being their mother.

3:  Memories.  Whatever happens, whatever life throws at us, the one thing that can't be taken away from us is our memories.  (OK...not strictly true we could get amnesia, but you know what I mean.)  I've been doing a lot of remembering this week.  Remembering being at school, remembering my friend who was such a character, remembering the good times and reflecting on past friendships.  There are so many people who have made a difference to my life.  I'm thankful for each and everyone of them.

Miss you Pete x

HiPP Organic's Brand New Look

HiPP Organic has long been renowned for its range of nutritious wholesome recipes.  From pots, jars, juices, fruit pots, cereals and tray meals, HiPP provide a range of natural, healthy meal solutions to make parenthood easier and mealtimes more convenient.

This year, HiPP have given themselves a makeover with a new fresher and friendlier logo; innovative packaging designs incorporating stylish food photography that depicts the fresh, quality produce found in their products and the introduction of a whole host of brand new products and flavours.

HiPP are also including Omega 3 into their savoury jars.  Sourced from rapeseed oil, this is good news for us vegetarians too!!  This addition will aid baby's neurological development and provide energy and goodness for maintaining mental and physical growth.

We are already big fans of HiPP Organic Inside the Wendy House. I've always used a combination of home prepared foods alongside ready made baby foods for convenience and to provide a greater range of taste experiences. I love the fact that HiPP uses organic ingredients in all its products and has such a wide range of products to choose from.  At the moment Freddy loves the Organic Elephant 'Little Nibbles' Biscuits which is part of the organic snack range of products.

I have been sent a selection of  HiPP Organic products to review, including some of the new look jars and pots, for my Tiny Tester Freddy to enjoy.  I loved the new labels with the photographs of the ingredients.  It made a really good visual showing the real quality food content of their products.  As Freddy is being raised as a vegetarian, he won't be eating the meaty meals, but he has a little friend who will enjoy eating them on his behalf!  With flavours such as Scrumptious Sunday Lunch and Sweet Carrot and Pea Risotto, I'm sure they will be very much enjoyed. Freddy was very keen to sample the Purely Fruit and the Fruit and Yogurt for himself!

Suitable for babies from 4 - 36 months (consult your health visitor for advice on weaning), the Fruit & Yogurt and Purely Fruits come in convenient single serving sized plastic pots.  Perfect for lunch or for a tea time treat, they are made from organic ingredients with no added sugar and they count as a whole portion of fruit towards baby's recommended 5 a day!

The Purely Fruits contain 100% pure organic fruit puree.  Delicious on its own or added to dried cereals, they even make a fab healthy snack for older children.  The new range includes Just Fruit with new flavours and vibrant photos of delicious looking fruits on the packaging.

The Pear with Yogurt contains a smooth blend of organic apple and pear purees with added organic yogurt.  Freddy really enjoyed eating a pot as a part of his lunch time meal.  It was very fruity and obviously very delicious as this series of photos show!  His HiPP bib looks pretty snazzy too!!

With Easter fast approaching, HiPP can also offer a helping hand to make outings and gift ideas that little bit easier.

HiPP Organic's Wholesome Pots are an ideal meal solution when out and about on a day trip or on holiday.  They are compact enough to fit into a handbag or glove compartment.  They come in resealable and reusable plastic pots making them very handy.  With gourmet sounding flavours such as Fruity Vegetable Tagine with Coucous and Sweet Red Pepper and Aubergine Penne, Freddy's vegetarian diet is well catered for too!

Your baby may be too young for a chocolate Easter egg this year, but they don't have to miss out on the fun.  Visit the new look HiPP website at www.hipp.co.uk where you can trawl the HiPP Organic shop for great gift ideas.

Check out the HiPP Baby Club for free samples and information, expert advice from pregnancy to toddlerhood, inspiring ideas, competitions and quizzes.

Like HiPP Organic on Facebook and join in the fun and chat!

Johnson's Bubblin' Bath Time Fun!

With 100 years of expertise Johnson's know exactly what makes bath times fun!  Splishing and splashing in big blobby bubbles is something that makes babies very happy.  Freddy definitely loves being immersed in a warm, bubbly bath.  So when Johnson's sent us a bottle of its brand new melon scented 2 in 1 Bubble Bath and Wash to try, Freddy was only too happy to test it out.  As you can see from the photo above, 2 capfuls created bubbles galore that delighted him.  It can also be used as a wash on a flannel or a sponge.

With its non-sting No-More Tears formula creating a bathful of mild, gentle bubbles, it is kind to both baby's eyes and their delicate skin.  Freddy loved splashing around and I was reassured that even if he splashed the bath water in his eyes it wouldn't sting them and ruin the experience.  He came out of the bath feeling baby soft and smelling fresh!  With Johnson's 2 in 1 Bubble Bath and Wash, bath times can be bubblingly magical.

 Johnson's Baby Skincare Wipes are another favourite Inside the Wendy House.  From messy faces to nappy changes I trust the gentle, fragrance free wipes to clean up everytime.

Check out the Johnson's Baby website for great hints and tips on baby care and for information on their full range of baby products.

The Diet Plate

I have blogged before about my yo-yo dieting efforts and how my weight fluctuates between two points a stone apart from one week to the next.  I seem to literally be able to lose or put on half a stone overnight!  I've used hypnosis with some positive results but my problem is my refusal to leave food on my plate when I feel full.  I don't know if it is the conditioning from my childhood where I was told to finish all my food because there were starving children in Africa who would be grateful for the food that was put in front of me!   My relationship with food has been a real love/hate affair.  I love stuffing down the cake, I hate what it does to my body!  I am constantly on the look out for a way to get to grips with my appetite and my diet.  I was offered the chance to review a meal replacement shake diet but I turned it down as these quick fix programmes just don't work on me.  My friend swears by her slimming club, but I'm not someone who thrives on the support group mentality and the counting Sins approach to my weightloss.

Then, I saw a press release for a product on the market called The Diet Plate.  It offered the Complete Weight Management Solution using "the plate that counts calories so you don't have to".  I was intrigued!

The system comprised of a plate and bowl which takes care of portion sizes, whatever you cook.  This practical and visual weight loss programme can be used everyday instead of using a diet sheet, counting calories, fat grams or allotting points.  There is no messy or demoralising weighing of food and you can eat with the rest of the family which sends an important message to your children regarding healthy eating.

The Calibrated Bowl is designed to provide a 200 calorie serving of any breakfast with semi-skimmed milk.  You just serve up to the correct colour band for the cereal of your choice.  It also works for soup by filling the bowl to the colour band for the soup you have chosen, it insures you keep your calorie intake in check.

The Plate is divided into sections for each food group.  The patterned plate has an area for protein, starchy carbohydrates and unlimited salad and vegetables.  There is a measuring area for combination meals such as curry and rice or spaghetti bolognese and even a cheese cube area if you want to include a piece with your meal.  It works for a vegetarian diet too.

The portion control element of the plan is the key to weightloss.  The non-dictatorial programme means no food is out of bounds which helps stop cravings...but obviously healthier low fat choices wield greater results!
The Dinner Plate is beautifully decorated with encouraging positive thinking slogans and made from quality fine earthenware.  The system includes a comprehensive handbook with a detailed 8 week plan covering topics such as food groups, setting goals and the psychology of diets.

I was so impressed with the concept of The Diet Plate that I contacted the creator and director Kay Illingworth to discuss the possibility of me testing the system and writing about my experience on my blog.  She agreed to send me the Female System in return for my commitment to the programme.  So here I am about to embark on this unique and exciting way to lose weight.

Check out the website http://www.thedietplate.com/ for details on their other products which are also suitable for men and children. Read the amazing testimonials from satisfied customers, one of which has lost an incredible 17 stone!  I'm sure you will be equally impressed!

Follow me to find out how I get on with The Diet Plate!