Young People and Depression - Our Story

I have a daughter.  A beautiful, intelligent, talented daughter.  A young woman who lights up the room when she walks in.  Someone with empathy, an open heart and a refreshing sense of humour.  Someone who has no idea just how special she is.

But my little girl has recently needed help, more than I could give her myself.  Help for the emotional problems that she has been suffering with.  My amazing child has found herself caught up in the dark depths of depression.  At such a young age she has at times experienced the utter despondency and paralysing lows associated with this illness.  She has felt isolation, helplessness and feelings of low self-worth.  Feelings you never want your precious child to feel.

As her parent I have tried to reach her, but it is not easy for either of us.  Sometimes we are just too close. The feeling of personal failure and frustration experienced as a mother, thinking that you are in some way to blame for your child's sorrow stops you being as level headed as you need to be. It's too easy to make it about you and end up transferring your own feelings of guilt onto your child, compounding their own issues.  Similarly, your child's own guilt or embarrassment means they are unable to open up and let go.  They are worried that they will upset you, hurt you or disappoint you.  Sometimes we need outside help.

When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with depression.  I self-harmed.  I struggled to understand my place in this world.  I had the darkest of thoughts and felt the unbearable pressure of life bearing down on my shoulders.  To think that my own child has followed this path is heartbreaking to me, like I have let her down in some way to allow this to happen.  I want her to be happy, confident and to understand just how special she is. I want her to know she will get through this and be a stronger person for it.  I want her to realise that I would do anything to ease her pain.

Is this some genetic curse I have blighted her with or has my own history somehow influenced her at a crucial time in her childhood? Could I have seen it coming and done something about it earlier?  Is this just a part of her, and in loving her unconditionally do I have to just accept the darkness like I accept my own?  We may never understand the reasons, but I for one, promise to give her all the love, support and understanding that I can provide.  She is stronger and more amazing than she knows.  I am so proud of her.

Getting her the appropriate outside help has started us on the path to recovery.  I hope and pray that seeing a therapist will enable her to talk about all the things she can't tell me.  I hope that in doing so she will get well.  I want her to sleep peacefully.  I want her to eat healthily.  I want to chase away all the darkness that is threatening to extinguish part of her shining light.  I want my little girl to be carefree, happy and full of life again.  I want her to believe in herself.  I want her to know she can and will be healed.

I urge any parents of teenagers or young adults not to ignore signs of depression or dismiss them as teenage angst.   Teenagers and young people need real help, real support and should never have their symptoms overlooked.  They are just too precious and the consequences can be devastating.  If you feel that your child is suffering from depression, seek medical help.

Signs and symptoms of depression in teens

Sadness or hopelessness Irritability, anger, or hostility Tearfulness or frequent crying Withdrawal from friends and family Loss of interest in activities Changes in eating and sleeping habits

Restlessness and agitation Feelings of worthlessness and guilt Lack of enthusiasm and motivation Fatigue or lack of energy Difficulty concentrating Thoughts of death or suicide

Struggling.

I remembered one of the reasons I started this blog.  It was my therapy.  Casting out my negativity into the ether.  Getting rid of my pain, sending it into the void of the internet.

January 2012 has been the crappest month I've ever had.  One bad thing after another sent to try us.  We keep pulling through but my grip is loosening.

I watch myself as I tap away on the keyboard diligently writing reviews and other posts.  I wonder why the hell am I trying so hard to post photos for Project 366.  Photos that I am sure aren't interesting to anyone other than myself.  I'm losing a bit of myself with every passing day, yet I don't want to let anyone down.  Or maybe in continuing with the charade of normality I am holding on to the last thread that is keeping me from imploding.

We've been trying to cope with some problems, which aren't mine to discuss here.  But I've felt tested.  I've questioned myself.  I'm my own toughest critic and although I know in my head that I'm not doing anything wrong, my heart tells me I'm coming up short at every hurdle and should do more to make things right.  I am truly spent: emotionally and physically.

My daughter, who is struggling with her exams and her life at school, has got her school report.  Some teachers have been really sympathetic with Ella's situation.  Others have been utterly thoughtless saying that she should be disappointed for getting a grade B in a mock exam.  A 'B' is bloody brilliant from someone who says that school makes her feel like crawling into a corner.  What a great way to make a vulnerable teen feel worthless!  So much for pastoral care.

Meanwhile the wonderful world of anonymous cyber-bullying has reared its ugly head to persecute my daughter.  Reading through what some sad and evil little troll has said to my beautiful girl has made me sick.  Worse still, it's someone who knows her personally.  Every fibre of my being wants to write a response telling them exactly what I think of them and invite them to take their issues up with me face to face.  I'd love to tell them what a cowardly, pathetic little stain they are, but as an adult you can't do that.  Instead I've done the grown-up thing and print screened the vitriol that is inciting my child to commit suicide because no one would miss her.

I'm a believer in signs.  Always have been.  If my husband buys me flowers and they wilt the next day, I worry that that is a representation of our relationship somehow.  It's stupid but I think it stems back from when my depression was at its worse and I'd honestly believe something dreadful would happen unless I could count to 100 before the next car drove past my bedroom window.  Our hamster, who I actually and ridiculously  adore has keeled over and died.  She is lying in a crumpled ball in her bed and I can't deal with it at all.   It seems just so symbolic because she was healthy, fine and friendly.  Now she's dead.  My mind is in overdrive trying not to latch onto it as a sign or a dark prophecy of impending doom.  Plus I'm going to have to tell Kizzy that I somehow managed to kill her pet whilst trying to care for it.  I can't help but think that everything I touch turns somehow to shit.

I hope that by pressing 'publish post' I'll exorcise these thoughts.  It'll empower me to take some control back.  I feel like I'm failing, I'm falling and yet life goes on around me. I carry on doing what I do with a painted smile on my face. I wish the clouds would clear, just for a while. Just to let me collect myself.  To let me deal with things and make it all better.  I want to make it all all right for the people that I love most in this world.  Not being able to do so is crippling me. I'm frustrated and it's opening up a part of me that I thought I'd put away for good.  That is scaring me.

Oh to have a magic wand and make everything right for everyone.  In the absence of the aforementioned wand, I'll just have to man up and get on with it.  I don't have the luxury of self pity.

Normal service will resume immediately...I've got a review and a 366 photo to post.