High School Reunions - Would You Go?

I was a pupil at the Herschel High School in Slough from 1981 to 1987. Here I am in my school uniform after coming home from school. I'm wearing my ski jacket that was bought for me to go on a school ski-ing trip to Foppolo  in Italy.  My PE kit is in my Chelsea Girl carrier bag.  I'm wearing a badge that probably showed my support for saving whales or banning the ban or something equally right-on!

At 11, I was a tall, skinny girl who was pretty awkward, quite shy and lacking in self-confidence. I made some very close friends at school who I stuck with throughout my time there. We weren't the cool kids, but we had a good time together.  I mostly enjoyed being at school but I did have some dark times.

It was always assumed that I would be successful and go on to great things. I was very clever, but never driven or motivated.  I never went to university and I'm sure I would be a great disappointment to my teachers if they knew I went on to basically become a stay at home mum and never have a career.  I never reached my potential academically.  I have five A'Levels that have never been used for the greater good!

Not many of the popular girls had much time for me. I wasn't really like them with their pretty hair and make-up.  I liked different music. I wore different clothes. I got A's in all my subjects. I didn't fancy the popular boys.  I wore black nail varnish before it was cool.  I didn't go out to the same places as them.  I never really encountered any hostility, I just rarely crossed paths with the in-crowd. 

I met Ian at Herschel.  He was one of my best friends.  I always got on better with the boys than the girls. We had a lot of laughs at lunch and break hanging out with the lads.  I have some good memories.  I ended up going out with Ian in the 5th Year and ultimately married him some ten years later. (The biggest bonus from my time at Herschel!)

During my final year of the sixth form, I was living with my then-boyfriend and working until 2 am in a bar near Heathrow Airport to pay the rent. I was juggling A'Level revision with pouring pints for American businessmen. I decided not to go to university and stayed with my boyfriend instead.  I got pregnant, he cheated on me, we split up. It was messy.  I moved away from Slough when I had my son Joe. Being a single, teen mum was all-consuming, mentally and physically.  In the years before mobile phones or the internet, staying in touch with school friends was not easy, so I lost touch with almost everyone. (Thankfully not Ian, who remained in my life forever paving the way to us getting together in 1993 and getting married in 1997.)

I've only managed to properly stay in touch with a few of my school friends from this time and don't see them anywhere near enough as I would like to. Other friendships fizzled out as I was pre-occupied first with boyfriends and then with babies. I don't think I was very easy to get along with at times.  I didn't invest very much of myself when it came to friendships.

I rediscovered a lot of fellow pupils on Friends Reunited a few years back and caught up with those I was interested in. It was nice to find some old friends but most of the enthusiastic early communications dwindled away as we ran out of things to say to each other.

Facebook opened up windows into the lives of many more familiar names. I have followed the lives of a few of them via status updates and photo albums and it's nice to know what people have been doing over the years.  I was devastated when one of my closest friends at school died a few years ago.  We were in contact over the internet but he was someone I would have loved to see again and catch up with properly - but that can never happen now.

Now there is the opportunity of attending a School Reunion in the hall of my old school in October.  I always thought I'd love to attend a reunion, but now the chance has arisen I am filled with doubt.  School was 30 odd years ago.  Will I even recognise half the people there?  Will they recognise me?  Will they even care that I am there?  The insecurities of 11 year old me creep back into my psyche. Will I be seen as being old and grey and a bit overweight, or will they still see my teenage self inside?   I think my teachers will see me as a disappointment, an under achiever.

I have struggled on and off with mental health issues for years.  They were at their worst when I was a teenager when I spiralled into a really dark place.  It is only in the last few years that I have put this all completely behind me and come out of the fog that kept on threatening to engulf me. But I know that my stability is fragile.  I don't know if going back to my childhood home town will bring back memories of feeling negative and insecure.  Will I feel like I've failed, even though I know in my heart that I have achieved the most amazing thing in the world: being a mother to my wonderful children.

Or am I just over thinking a simple event that would reunite me with a few old friends and give me the opportunity to have a nosey at a few more?  I am scared that some of the people I held in the very highest esteem may disappoint me, or I'll disappoint them, or we won't even have anything to say to each other.  I see groups of the once popular kids on the reunion thread on Facebook already planning a night out after the event, reminiscing about old times that I was never a part of.  I feel like the girl who never made it into the inner circle of popularity again...although I never really desired it.  It's safer existing in your own little bubble. I just don't want it to burst and throw me back into the insecurities of when I was a teenager. I'm just not sure that I want to come face to face with 'old me' ever again.

Flashback Friday...School Memories

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about my school years since hearing of the tragic sudden death of an old school friend. I went to Herschel High School, a grammar school in Slough.  It wasn't all bad!  I found the work easy and coasted through the exams.  I wasn't in the popular crowd but I had some very good friends.  My very best school friend Lianne,on the right in this picture, is someone I don't see anywhere near enough.  We stay in touch but aren't very good at it.  She still lives down south whereas I'm now a relative Northerner (north of Watford at least!)  She juggles motherhood of two little ones, with being a high flying professional. I've been a SAHM on and off since I was 19!  Our paths diverged but she will always be my best friend.  We went through a lot together (well, I put her through a lot to be honest...she was a saint!)  I spent more time at her house than I did at my own.  I dedicate this post to my very best friend and vow to try to do better.  She has just had a baby boy that I've never seen.  She has yet to meet Freddy who was born in 2009.  Real life gets in the way.  But knowing how fragile life can be, being busy or the distance between us shouldn't be a stumbling block to friendship. 

This picture was taken on the last day of term in the 5th form in 1985.  I'm the one with her legs on the table...not sure why??  Cute boots though!  I clearly favoured the rebellious skinny tied look!  I have some great memories of us lot together at school.  We had a laugh with the boys and have some good memories!

Good-Bye my Friend xxx

Yesterday I heard some really sad news.  A school friend of mine had died.  He was 41 years old, a dad to two children, a Scout leader and a really nice bloke.  He died suddenly, in an as yet unexplained way.  This was such a shock to me.

We went to school together throughout the primary and secondary years.  We were good friends. He took me to my first concert that I went to (without my big sister looking after me).  We spent the day in London before going to Hammersmith Odeon to watch Marillion's Fugazi Tour.  We hung out together as teenagers going to the pub, to parties or just hanging out at friends' houses.  (Goodness knows where their parents were when we took over their living rooms.  It never occurred to me then, but now I'm puzzled?!)  Pete was always really protective of me.  We were close.

We lost touch post A'Levels as I became a mother and moved away from our hometown of Slough.  Years later, via the wonders of Friends Reunited, we got back into contact and exchanged lengthy emails filling each other in on the missing ten years, marriage, kids, jobs.  Then as Facebook became the communication media of choice, we commented on each others' photos and statuses.  His profile pic was a familiar icon in my Newsfeed.

His Facebook wall says that "Pete is attending 2013".  He joined that group showing his optimistic belief that the world won't end in 2012 whatever the Aztecs believed!  That made me cry.  He had posted on the Scout's Facebook wall to remind the boys to bring waterproofs because the weather this weekend was set to be atrocious.  He had just found out which celebrities shared his birthday.

Now suddenly he's gone.

Hearing news like this is so sobering.  It puts everything into perspective in your life.  It makes you appreciate everything you have, everyone you love.  It makes you hug your loved ones a little tighter.  It makes you promise yourself that you will overhaul your diet, your lifestyle and your fitness levels.  It reminds you just how precious life is.

So Rest in Peace my friend.  I'll listen to some Marillion in your honour and smile at our shared memories. And I'll yet again remind myself of the fragility of life so I live each day to its fullest potential and try to be the best person I can be.