Since having Freddy I've lost over 3 stone, although the last stone has gone back on and off over the last 12 months. It is that stone which is my problem. It is that stone that I want to shake off and put behind me for good. It is that stone that reminds me that I am weak, that I am undisciplined with my diet and that I am a failure. It is that stone which terrifies me, taunts me and mocks my attempts. But it is also the stone that I hide behind. The one that almost comforts me, as it strips away any expectations. It enables my gluttony. It is my feeder. It tells me "What difference does it make what you eat...you're fat anyway?" It manipulates, lies and smirks as I eat another piece of cake or two.
For every part of me that wants to change, there is an equal part that fears that change. It is ridiculous. But it is that that sabotages my attempts. Something buried deep inside that doesn't want to give up the greed and the comfort of limitless food. It holds on tight. I wish I could unearth why.
When I was younger I was thin. My eating disorders, my rebellion and my control, maintained a skinny figure. But I wasn't happy. I look at photos of me with that body...5ft 11" and sylph-like...and wonder why I wasn't ecstatically happy, confident and in control. Instead I was a depressed self harmer with no self-esteem who found myself single and pregnant at 18. We are promised by the media and told by the multi-million dollar diet industry that slim equals happy. We are told that the secret to happiness is to shed those last few pounds. We are shown images of smiling women, spinning round in floaty dresses and posing next to giant jeans that they used to wear. If only life was that simple.
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| As a Teenager |
Yet still this elusive weight related utopia beckons to me. I want it, I really do. These pictures show why.
Christmas 2009, and I'm stuffing in Ferrero Rochers in a "How Many Can You Eat In One Minute" contest with my family. I do well in these gluttony based competitions...funny that!
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| Christmas 2009 |
My sister got married in February of the following year. I lost nearly 2 stone in 2 months. I bought an outfit and some new wardrobe staples in size 16. Within a few weeks, the new wardrobe I bought was too big. Unworn size 16 jeggings still languish in my wardrobe.
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| February 2010 |
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| May 2011 |
I'll leave you with the physical embodiment of the extra stone. My belly. Five pregnancies and an adulthood of yo-yo diets have resulted in something resembling over handled dough. It's not attractive and it hangs over my waistband when I sit down. I want it gone. Now I've shown everyone what lurks beneath the baggy jumpers...I have a duty to get rid of it.
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| What lurks beneath! |