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Saturday, 29 January 2011

Dear So and So...

Dear Virus,


I appreciate that everyone has a fundamental right to a home, but I respectfully request that you upsticks and leave your current choice of abode.  Squatting in the respiratory system of my two youngest children is just unacceptable.  I hereby am serving you notice to quit with immediate effect and not to return again.


Yours Very Tired Mother/Nurse of Aforementioned Infected Children


Dear Fat,


We have been very close for a long time.  We've done everything together and gone everywhere together.  I'd go as far as to say that we have been inseparable.  It is therefore with deep regret that I have to inform you that it is over.  We can't be together any more.  I need to go my own way.  You suffocate me.  I need to be free.  I need to feel like me again.  So this really is good-bye.  I hope you won't drag out this separation.  I hope you will leave quickly and painlessly and be happy for me.


Yours Overweight


Dear Student Finance,


I have phoned and written numerous times.  You ignore me.  You tell me you can't discuss cases that have gone to review.  Well, let me tell you this.  How can you give my poor impoverished student daughter less money this year when I'm unemployed and with an extra mouth to feed, than you did last year when I was still working?  How can you say you'll give her five grand....then drop it down to three?  It doesn't even cover her rent and bills.  She is there to better herself and make a future where she will contribute to society.  She can pay it back...it is a LOAN!  We're not asking for a hand out.  We claim nothing.  We work hard.  You and your fellow misguided government officials persecute us hard working middle class families.  No EMA, no grants, soon to be no child benefits.  We are not rich.  We can't pay for the rent on an overpriced student house for our daughter.  But you expect us to.  You should get your spending priorities sorted out.  You frustrate me.


Yours Financially Overstretched Mother   


Dear Husband,


I love you.  In light of my recent confession on this very blog as to the happenings of New Years Eve three years ago, I wish to thank you for not getting angry at your appallingly behaved spouse.  You understand me. I am very, very lucky.


Yours Wife

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3 comments:

  1. Haha this had me tittering - I did mine earlier today too and it was very therapeutic indeed.

    Hope everyone inside the wendy house feels better soon. Seems the dreaded lurgy has struck us a bit this weekend. Thankfully it's really struck the MIL so we don't have to meet up with them this weekend ;-)

    p.s. I still so want to see a photo of you with a condom on your head!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. You make me better. What else can I say. Love you wife of mine.XXX

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha this had me tittering - I did mine earlier today too and it was very therapeutic indeed.

    Hope everyone inside the wendy house feels better soon. Seems the dreaded lurgy has struck us a bit this weekend. Thankfully it's really struck the MIL so we don't have to meet up with them this weekend ;-)

    p.s. I still so want to see a photo of you with a condom on your head!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete

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